Being part of a community – is that possible for us in 2012?

Community. According to Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Community,  from a sociological perspective , it means:

The term community has two distinct meanings: 1) A group of interacting people, living in some proximity (i.e., in space, time, or relationship). Community usually refers to a social unit larger than a household that shares common values and has social cohesion.

So why I am writing about community, and how does it relate to psychological health? Well, I believe that if a person feels part of a community, whatever that may be, he/she will feel happier, strong and simply more complete.

I watched Whitney Houston’s funeral on CNN last Saturday. As I previously wrote, her death had an effect on me, even though I didn’t know her. The funeral had an effect on me too – but from the minute I sat down to watch (coverage started at 9:00 am even if the service didn’t begin until 12:00 pm) the word that kept coming to mind was: COMMUNITY. From the interviews with people who knew her, to the journalists themselves, the same themes kept coming back – the church, the support, the ‘family‘, the faith. While I am not a religious person, I am spiritual. I was brought up going to church (forced by my parents who didn’t go themselves, which angered me, and in a church that did not share my beliefs) so back then I didn’t ‘get’ it. For many years now, I have rejected all forms of organized religion. When I started my ‘Health Quest’, I stared becoming more spiritual, and today, can say this spirituality is what has gotten me through some very hard times.

Whitney and her family are Baptist, and it’s common knowledge they have always been ‘church-going people.’ I never understood how a drug-addict or a superstar could still have such faith, still continue to believe in God and go to church regularly. But she did, and the funeral, which was held at her childhood church, proved how much this COMMUNITY was, and is, important for her and her family. She put the church and the town she was born in on the map. But when she got big, she still went back to it. She was part of a special community, and this community is what will help those she’s left behind cope with their terrible loss.

There were several ‘reverends’, 2 fantastic gospel choirs, and much singing – mostly gospel songs, just as Whitney would have wanted. Every tribute made links to faith, her faith. It surprised me, but I started to understand what community and faith can be in a person’s life. What surprised me the most was Kevin Costner‘s tribute to her: the theme was the church (not acting, not much about her professional life as I had expected) – he spoke about his upbringing and his faith, and how he and Whitney immediately connected because of it. He was raised Baptist too. Now while all the references to God, and how what happened to her was ‘his will’ made me a little uncomfortable (I don’t feel better because it was his plan; when someone I love passes, I’m sad and angry), I understood the message. It’s so much more than that. Sure, these people have faith, believe completely in God, but what touched me were the connections between everyone because of it.  As the service continued, I felt, and this, in front of my TV, that they were a community, that I was, for a short time, part of such a community. It really made my heart full. I honestly felt ‘part’ of it all. Maybe that’s what TV does, as some cynics will attest, but no, I don’t agree. Again, I believe it’s much more. We live in a time where money, fame and ‘bling bling’ are what we’re told we should believe in – this funeral made me remember that those things are not at all what REAL life is. Life is birth, love, death, people, experiences of all kinds. It is not what you have but WHO YOU ARE and WHO you share these with. A fulfilled life is you in a group of people who interact, who have similar values and beliefs. At least that’s what I believe a good life to be.

So I started wondering if I feel like I’m part of a community. Hummmm…I really had to think. Here’s what came to mind:

1. I am part of an English-speaking community in Montreal because I have always worked in a teaching of English environment.
2. I am part of a French-speaking community because I live in a French province. But I have often been told that I’m not really ‘one of them.’
3. I am part of a community of educators, of intellectuals.
4. I am part of the Facebook and Twitter community because I am active on these social media.

That’s all I could muster. (And I’ve thought more about this as I write this post). Nowhere in the above statements have I mentioned a ‘spiritual’ community. All are related to an intellectual community. But what is that worth? Something for sure, but somehow, something is missing. Nowhere did I mention ‘family’, ‘faith’, or anything remotely related to what I saw on CNN last Saturday. And that bothers me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel like I belong to a non-superficial community, and I also guess I was raised to believe that the church or faith, is the basis of such a thing. Am I wrong? Am I right? Am I okay? I honestly don’t know.

I suppose wise people would say that it doesn’t matter what community you belong to; all that’s important is that you feel you belong to something. I beg to differ. I think there is something missing somehow. Sure, I’ve tried to create ‘communities’ with my close friends, and we do have a ‘bond’. But not a profound enough one, at least not for me at this point in my life. I’m not interested in joining a church, so where do I go? Do I just accept the ‘communities’ I belong to and shut the hell up? I don’t know.

For me, community is important because a community SUPPORTS the people in it. If I go back to my list above, and ask myself if those 4 communities support me, well, I can’t say no, but I can’t say yes either…so I’m perplexed. These images really sum up community to me – or the one I need:

      

All three photos are people in  CIRCLE, supporting each other and joined. These images speak to me. But I feel we live in a society where everyone is out for him/herself, or at least told to be. How many times have I heard, “The only person you can count on is yourself” and I have adhered to it. But with experience, I find that sure, I can do things on my own, but that it’s more fulfilling to SHARE them with others. Yet I find that I need fulfilling experiences, and if they do happen, am not always able to share them. Why is that?

So, I’ll meditate on this…and I would really appreciate any insight any of you who read this may have. Do you feel part of a community? If so, which one(s)? Are they fulfilling? Please share. Because at this point, I’m wondering, and hoping to find a community that fulfills me in my soul. Maybe I already have it but don’t see it?

“I’m a reflection of the community.” -Tupac Shakur

“We can never get a re-creation of community and heal our society without giving our citizens a sense of belonging.” -Patch Adams

“It is vain to talk of the interest of the community, without understanding what is the interest of the individual”  - Jeremy Bentham ( Philosopher 1748-1832)

The narcissist – my nemesis

Yes, the narcissist is my nemesis. I get mesmerized by such as person …well, I should specify that now, I still attract “male” narcissists even though I have eliminated ‘friend’ narcissists from my life. If a narcissistic man shows me any amount of attention, I ‘fall’….immediately. I lose all sense of logic and control and believe, unconsciously, that he is ‘real’.

My mother is a narcissist, so I was raised by one. That’s why I’ve spent my whole life loving them and losing myself to get them to love me…to no avail. I will fight for the rest of my days to stay away from them, especially in regards to relationships. I married one, and recently, another narcissist , who I met over a year ago, has been ‘sniffing around’…and I almost got totally caught up in him.

So, what is a narcissist? According to Wikipedia, NARCISSISM is defined as:

“Narcissism [...] usually is used to describe some kind of problem in a person or group’s relationships with self and others. In everyday speech, “narcissism” often means egoism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness…In psychology, the term is used to describe both normal self-love and unhealthy self-absorption due to a disturbance in the sense of self.”  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissist

In their defence, narcissists are victims. They were emotionally abused or neglected and are in denial of what it’s done to them. They are egocentric, ‘caught up in themselves and their sole well-being’, selfish emotionally. They take, take, take, and when they meet people like me, well, they hit the jackpot. I immediately ‘understand’ their pain, and want to save them. I will do almost ANYTHING to get their approval; I will give, give, give, until I am spent. But in my case, I don’t realize I’m compromising my own well-being as all I want is their love. Pretty sick, but hey, I’ve done this numerous times and I still haven’t learned enough to stop.

Thanks to my wonderful therapist, and thanks to the work I’ve done on myself over the last 4 years, I’m learning, getting better at NOT getting caught up in such a person. However, since I have also been emotionally abused, have ‘hit the wall’ looking for approval, that I now have my protection mechanisms in my unconscious. So the good thing is, I don’t jump into a toxic situation as quickly as I did before, but honestly, if I didn’t have ‘help’, would be on yet another road to self-destruction. So I am grateful for my therapist and grateful that I am more ‘aware’ of my emotional patterns. I’m more cautious. My ‘gut feeling’ is stronger than before, or at least I now allow myself to listen to it. Listening to it is the first step, but ACTING on what it tells me is a whole other challenge. I’m not quite there yet….

The latest narcissist in my life is a real piece of work. A broken man, charismatic and SO intelligent, he only has to say 2 words to me (in a text message, not even in person), and I lose all sense of rationality. That little voice in my head has been telling me, “Paulette, you are in control, you can see him, and you know what to expect so you won’t get attached.’ WRONG! I’ve found myself fantasizing….telling myself he’s changed, it’ll be different this time. WRONG AGAIN. But already, he has ‘vanished’ at the last-minute. Telling me he misses me, how great I am, how sexy and smart I am, what he’d like to ‘do to me’…and I interpret that as him sincerely wanting and respecting me. Not so. Because if he did value my person, if he did respect me, he wouldn’t vanish, and his excuses would not tide me over until the next ‘disappointment’. Actually, I’m at the point with him where I’m not even disappointed anymore. My unconscious almost expects it. Last week he was supposed to ‘visit’ me; so I cleaned my house like never before, looked my best, sat and waited. 15 minutes before he was supposed to arrive, he called me…from his car. And he started the conversation with, “I’m lost, on xx Street…” His voice said it all. Once I explained that he was about 5 minutes away, he said: “I’m not sure tonight is such a good idea, I got delayed because of….” Of course, being the understanding person I am, replied, “It’s okay, we can see each other another time.” He answered me with relief in his voice by saying,” Thanks…but would you keep talking to me while I drive home?” What do you think my answer was? “Sure, no problem.” So we started chatting…or should I say, HE started….

We spoke for almost 2 hours (he lives pretty far from me, so it took at least 1 hour to get home) and the whole conversation was about HIM. He talked about his ex, relationships in general, how we are not meant to be single, but he has to be…no woman lives up to his expectations, they are ‘crazy’….Buddhism, philosophy, his therapist, you get the idea. I became his on-the-spot psychologist, saying the right thing, being understanding. Not once did he apologize sincerely for standing me up, not once did he ask me how I was…it was all about him. And I contributed to it, let it go on. And all I felt was ‘poor him’, poor man. He told me many personal things, how much he’d been hurt by his mother and his first wife, and how he is so damaged that HE keeps attracting unavailable women. Yet he was talking to ME (I’m available and NOT crazy, as I had to remind him) – he was supposed to have an intimate evening in my company, something he’s told me he’s wanted to do for a while….yeah right! His unconscious knows I believe all he dishes out, without confrontation or judgement…so he keeps me ‘around’ and I take it. I have never refused him…well, once I did, postponing our meeting…I honestly believe that was the ONLY reason he bothered to contact me again. I said NO, when HE wanted me to say yes (and he really tried to convince me to say yes). After the last time he stood me up (the car incident), we ended our conversation with him saying, “When are you available this week so we can get together?” I told him my availability (2 days later), but that was over a week and a half ago…have I seen or heard from him? No…so as they say, ‘the proof is in the pudding.’ He’ll surely contact me again when he has no one else to turn to, repeating his bull-shit, keeping me on a ‘leash’. Well, I’ve got news for him. I won’t ‘bite’ this time. I vow I won’t. But I know it will take all of my strength to say no to him. Why? Because I LIKE him, I find him interesting, intelligent, sensitive (of course he is, when it’s about him), sexy. And I’m single so having a man’s attention is something I would happily welcome. But I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not worth it, because the price I’ll pay for doing it will destroy me…yet falling back into my patterns is so damn easy.

Why do I act in such a way? Well, my self-esteem is pretty lacking, it always has been. While that may surprise people who know me, not my close friends, but acquaintances, etc., I have always had low self-esteem. Why? Because I’ve spent my life with narcissists, looking for their approval and love. But narcissists are UNABLE to love anyone completely but themselves, are never satisfied, insatiable. People like me spend their lives hoping, praying that we will conquer such people. I can tell you IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Until a narcissist takes care of his/her ‘shit’, stops denying their situation and finally faces up to his/her own hurt, no one will satisfy him/her. And the reason is simple: narcissists live with shame, self-hate and self-loathing. They unconsciously believe they are not worth much, and therefore project this on others. They become vampires….taking, taking, taking…and people like me who ‘understand their pain/have empathy’ want to save them….persevering until we succeed. We never will.

Narcissists are unable to show any form of empathy or compassion for others….so if you know one, accept that it will never happen. And a healthy relationship/friendship needs empathy to be real and to last. I know that now. But still, if the man in question contacts me, my natural reaction will be to do everything he wants. I have to be strong enough to abstain from such a toxic and destructive action.

So if you have narcissists in your entourage or your family (I can happily say that I have learned to ‘tolerate’ my mother’s narcissism, and now understand her. She no longer ‘controls’ me. I hope that is the start to me creating other relationships, one day, that are not in this pattern, that are healthy), you have my sympathy and understanding…and I send you energy to get past the toxcicity.If you have any advice for me on how to deal with such people and not become controlled by them, please share. I need all the help I can get.

“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms.” -Elizabeth Bowe

“Living with a narcissist is the loneliest screw you’ll ever have. Once the initial false ‘Image of a Man’ disappears, you’re left with a man that you do and do and do for, but who is never there for you in return. This is a man with a counterfeit heart; past his initial charm the man is an empty fake.” ~ Tigress Luv

“The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside.” – Sam Vaknin

We’ve lost another ‘voice’ :-(

 I still can’t believe we’ve lost her….for my generation (Generation X), she was ‘OUR’ voice. The first of the ‘Divas’. 48 is just too young to be gone…well, any age is too young to die in my opinion, but Whitney’s death has really shaken me. Much more than the death of Michael Jackson (who I also grew up listening to) – I think I’m more affected by Whitney’s passing because it was unexpected. Michael, God Bless his soul, had been ill for many years and the media kept everyone posted on the developments in his ‘crazy’ life. So while it was a shock, his death was no surprise. At least not to me…

Whitney, after all the shit she had while married to Bobby Brown (the first half of the last decade was so horrible for her), seemed to have gotten herself back on track, getting healthy after a much-publicized drug addiction. I bought her last album, I Look to You, released in 2010. And I still listen to it. While her voice was not as BIG or PURE as it used to be, her ‘mediocre’ voice is much better than any of us could ever hope to attain. My girlfriends and I, as teenagers, lipsynced her songs all the time. Songs of love, of relationships lost and found. But honestly, I didn’t care much for what her songs said: I loved her for her VOICE. So natural, so pure, so perfect. God-given talent, hands down.

Whitney, as most know, came from a musical family. Her mother, Sissy Houston, is another singing icon, particularly in the Gospel category. Whitney’s cousin is Dionne Warwick, her godmother is Aretha Franklin, Smokey Robinson has known her and her family since Whitney was a child. She was ‘discovered’ by Clive Davis when she was but a teen – she was already an upcoming model (I saw her ads in Cosmo and other fashion magazines when I was a teenager) when Clive heard about her singing in church. As you can imagine, it took but a split-second for him to realize that she was, and would be, a superstar.

People have said that the reason why Whitney had so much success in the 80s was because Clive Davis not only mentored her, but also ‘protected’her. Her entourage was NOT made up of hangers-on, wannabes, or ‘vampires’ (people who just wanted to use her for their own benefit or survival). I believe that. Once she met Bobby Brown, well, things took a turn for the worse (except for their beautiful daughter, Bobbi Christina). He was a well-known ‘serial father’ = he’d already had children with different women before meeting Whitney. He already had been into drugs, came from a poor neighbourhood and lived huge success with his ‘boy band’, New Edition, in the 80s. I actually also liked Bobby Brown’s music as a teen – I listened to the cassette of Don’t Be Cruel, his big hit, all the time when I was 17. But even back then, he was perceived as a ladies man, a ‘mover and shaker’ wanting basically to get any woman in the sack. Sure, some may argue that the music business is that way, that all young male singers go that route. Well, maybe. But he was also in trouble with the law….I personally believe he is a narcissist, a manipulator and a control freak. Surely due to his childhood…yet I’m only guessing as I don’t know him personally. All I know is he always seemed ‘slimy’, always left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Not to be trusted…Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about his run-ins with the law: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bobby_Brown

Substance abuse and legal problems

Throughout the 1990s and early 2000s, Brown’s legal and substance abuse troubles threatened to overshadow his music. Whitney Houston publicly stated that Brown’s drug of choice was marijuana laced with cocaine.^[10]

In late 2003, Brown was arrested for misdemeanor battery, allegedly for striking Houston while shouting epithets.^[11] In February 2004, Brown was arrested and jailed in Georgia on a parole violation related to a previousdrunk driving conviction. In June 2004, Brown was sentenced to 90 days in prison for missing three months of child support payments. That sentence was immediately suspended after Brown made back payments totaling about $15,000.^[12]

However, Whitney was a grown woman when she met him. She wasn’t an innocent child – actually she’s older than him by about 5 years. Bobby is my age, born in 1969. OMG!!! So we can’t put all the blame on him for what Whitney became. Sure, he was an enabler, but Whitney  had her own demons, surely had self-esteem issues (hard to believe, as she was always so beautiful and talented). Yet you and I know that the way other people perceive us and how we perceive ourselves are often 2 very, very different realities. I know this from experience. Whitney obviously was not emotionally well, and was probably fragile. Well, no surprise as we all are. ‘STARS’ are people too, you know.

Whitney tried to get sober, went to rehab, got back into contact with her mentor, Clive Davis, and was supposed to sing at a pre-Grammy party the day she died. What a sad coincidence. Now the Grammy Ceremony will probably have a heart-wrenching tribute to her instead. And from what I’ve read on Facebook and Twitter as well as what I’ve seen on CNN – the whole world is reeling from her untimely death. I know I am. I still can’t believe it. I’ve been listening to her hits (I have them all from iTunes) and sadly remembering just how wonderful and talented she was. She made me want to be a singer, even though I knew I never had her talent – she just was an inspiration and a gift to us all. R.I.P. dear Whitney. I already miss you.

“To me Whitney was THE VOICE. We got to hear a part of God every time she sang. Heart is heavy, spirit grateful for the GIFT of her.” - Oprah Winfrey

“When life has become futile, meaningless, unendurable — it must be allowed to end.” - Q, Star Trek: Voyager

“Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with with your self-esteem. They’re no good at all.” -Kurt Cobain

“[...]it’s better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whitney_Houston

The Rational vs The Emotional Self – how to find (and keep) balance!

This post is one that requires some concentration and an open mind. I’ve decided to write about my ‘quest’ on finding balance and trying to keep an objective outlook from my ‘rational’ and ‘emotional’ self, something that I only discovered were different over the last year or so. I feel it important to share, as most of us don’t distinguish the two and some are not even aware of their existence.

Our rational self is the part that is logical – you know, the little voice in your head that ‘knows what’s logically right’, or the ‘voice of reason’. This part, at least for me,  often takes a back seat to my emotional self. In the past, I didn’t listen to it much. The emotional self is the part that is obviously linked to your emotions, and that little voice can tell you some interesting ‘stories’, most of which are not conducive to reality.

If you were raised in a loving, healthy environment, with parents who didn’t manipulate, didn’t overly criticize or abuse us, your ‘rational’ self is probably pretty healthy. However, myself, and others I know did not grow up this way. We were made to feel inferior, constantly doing the wrong thing, which ultimately led us to become ‘pleasers’. You know, changing yourself or your behaviour to please someone else. (and we did this unconsciously!!!) The goal of doing this was to ‘win’ someone’s love. Usually we were on a constant quest to get our parents love and approval, something we often felt was unreachable.

As an adult, if we don’t understand our emotional and rational selves, or are not able to distinguish between them, we risk having unhealthy relationships. It starts with friendships, then love relationships, and by this point, our self-esteem is in the toilet. Especially if we keep trying to please. We will keep failing as more often than not we surround ourselves with narcissists, control freaks, or insatiable people who are never satisfied.

My mother was (and still is) such a person. Our relationship has been unhealthy and strained. Until recently, I kept trying to ‘please’ her, yet she was rarely ‘pleased.’ I couldn’t understand – when she was displeased with something I did, I vowed to do differently the next time. The next time came, I behaved differently (and in my mind), like I thought she wanted, only to get the same result: disappointment and criticism. This was a vicious cycle that kept repeating itself. As time went on, my emotional self became more and more in the forefront; if she was disappointed, I was crushed, my emotions were on my sleeve and the drama began. And I thought I was worthless. I became very sensitive and often defensive.

So I repeated this pattern in my friendships, but more importantly, in my love relationships. I gave and gave, put myself last, and just kept hitting the same wall, getting the same results. I never gave up, persisted for many years. My love relationships ended pretty badly, and I therefore felt like a failure. Many times I have said, “I do well in a professional context, but very poorly in a love context. I guess I’m simply meant to be alone.” I thought those were rational statements, yet in reality they were emotional ones.

After my ugly separation and divorce, I started intensive therapy and started learning the difference between the emotional and rational me. My therapist and I went back to the beginning, to my childhood, and she helped me understand how each one affects us and those around us, and how to  keep them in balance. Well, she told me how to do it, what they were, but I still have trouble putting what I learned into practice….

Then I read some books, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra to name but a few, and realized that I could be an ‘observer’ of my life. See myself outside of my body, and rationally interpret what was going on. At first it was weird, as I was not at all used to looking at things rationally.This allowed me to take some distance from what my emotions were telling me, and ultimately helped me balance the two. Yes, my emotional self had some interesting points, but the rational self took away a lot of the drama. And let me tell you, I needed to get rid of the ‘drama’!

I am now able to detach – I still have to work at it – but now I can feel my emotions rising to the surface. Instead of reacting immediately, I try to stay calm, and THINK before speaking. If I blurt something out that is emotional sabotage, I at least try to figure out, rationally, (after the fact, of course), what I could have done differently and why I let my emotions take over.

You may be like I was, or know someone who is. You know, that ‘Drama Queen’ in your life? The Emotional self is in control….there is no rational thinking going on, trust me.

So basically, my point is this: if you can become aware of the two ‘selves’ you’re on the right track. If you can detach yourself and observe why your emotions are on your sleeve or in your throat, then even better. Ultimately,if you can rationally look at what you are feeling and express it calmly and without ‘drama’, I think you and your entourage will be happier for it. But, if you do have an emotional outburst, don’t fret: it’s normal sometimes. You must not bottle your emotions up inside either, that is just as bad as being a ‘drama queen’!

My quest is to find and keep balance: I’m still working on it. But thankfully I can talk about it with my friends and loved ones, and generally they are understanding. I don’t hide my emotions, but I don’t always blurt out something or have an emotional fit either. As I said, it’s all about finding and keeping balance, and having the courage to talk about it with those who love you. I hope you can do the same.

“Cherish your own emotions and never undervalue them.”

“Emotion always has its roots in the unconscious and manifests itself in the body.”

“A little simplification would be the first step toward rational living, I think.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

“When a man finds a conclusion agreeable, he accepts it without argument, but when he finds it disagreeable, he will bring against it all the forces of logic and reason.” -Thucydides

Things are not always (or often) what they seem

Last night I went to see a disturbing (but excellent) film with a friend of mine. It’s called ‘Shame‘, and you may have heard of it as it was nominated for a Golden Globe – Michael Fassbender was nominated for Best Actor. He didn’t win. But he gave a moving and ‘just’ performance in this critically acclaimed UK-made film that was directed by Steve McQueen (Hunger). Here’s how the IMDb database describes it: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1723811/

Brandon is a 30-something man living in New York who is unable to manage his sex life. After his wayward younger sister moves into his apartment, Brandon’s world spirals out of control. From director Steve McQueen (Hunger), Shame is a compelling and timely examination of the nature of need, how we live our lives and the experiences that shape us.

Actually, it’s the portrayal of a broken man (we never do find out why) who suffers from severe sexual addiction. He’s attractive, has a good job and has a great (yet uncomfortably pristine) apartment in New York City. On the surface, he seems to have it all; to be living ‘the life’. But as the story unfolds, we learn that his life is not at all what it seems to be.

I won’t divulge the story here, as I honestly hope some of you will go and see it. But I must warn you – it is dark, and heavy – a film that will disturb you and make you think (at least my friend and I did, and we still are thinking….)

What disturbed me the most was the fact that Brandon, the main character, actually leads a ‘parallel’ life to the one he lives on a daily basis. He doesn’t have a wife or a girlfriend, he has no contact with his family (until his sister, after leaving him numerous phone messages that he deletes, shows up on his doorstep. She’s a ‘broken’ character too). He says the right things to his co-workers, dresses well, and of course, women notice him. He looks, on the surface, like the ‘perfect guy.’ Oh, is he not!!!!

In the description above, it says,”…Shame is a compelling and timely examination of the nature of need….” Our dear Brandon is definitely needy but so in denial, if someone ever called him on it, he would be extremely insulted. He would change the subject or project back on the person asking…He is so EMPTY that he frantically tries to fill this void with sex. He goes to “places” that most of us could never even imagine. Yet he’s pulled down more and more deeply as each day passes. The arrival of his sister doesn’t help matters, as you’ve probably already figured out. What touched me was that although I saw things that were so far out of my realm of reality, I honestly believe he represents a fair chunk of the population today.

So many of us are bruised or broken, and we can’t face up to it. We live our lives in denial, just ‘going through the motions’ without creating any meaningful relationships. EVERYTHING STAYS ON THE SURFACE.

I spent a number of years in denial myself – I feel I have faced most of my fears, dealt with the big issues in my life (although will fight to stay on the right track for the rest of my life and not revert back to my ‘patterns’, of that I am sure).  To me, Brandon represents many of us. He keeps trying to fill his void with sex; others try to fill it with work, food, exercise, whatever. Something that can cover it up. Now I’m not judging anyone, just saying what I see, and what I see includes me.

This movie will probably not get the recognition it deserves, as it will make most uneasy (yet necessary), it doesn’t sugar-coat things, it’s very RAW.

My friend said to me, after the film was over, “It’s too bad he wasn’t nominated for an Oscar, he so deserved it.”

My reply was this: “I agree, but this film and subject-matter are simply too dark.

This is not a ‘everything ends happily’ movie, not a movie the masses or the Academy will feel comfortable promoting. Maybe one day films such as this will get the recognition they deserve but I know that it’s too much ‘in your face’ and most who watch it, if they REALLY watch it, will see a part of themselves in it. Not necessarily as a sex-addict, but will understand his void. Or they won’t want to see themselves as such.

So if you are up for it, please go and see this movie…it is definitely worth the $12. It will disturb you, and if you are like me, you may need to go out with the person who you saw it with and have a drink afterwards. I know the beer and conversation I had with my dear friend Sylvie was important and meaningful to me.

Here’s the link to the trailer:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62nelnMXW3M

In so far as one denies what is, one is possessed by what is not, the compulsions, the fantasies, the terrors that flock to fill the void. Ursula K. LeGuin
You must renounce all superficiality, all convention, all vanity and delusion.  Gustav Mahler

The Human Aspect – An Integral Part of Well-Being

It may seem obvious to be ‘human’. Not so. I believe most people have no idea how their ‘humanness’ (or lack thereof), affects others.  When I left teaching (10 years ago), this became a revelation for me. I recently saw the fantastic film, “Monsieur Lazhar“, and this ‘humanness’ stood out. It is, in my humble opinion, one of the main reasons why the film has had so much success and has touched so many people. Let me explain…

I have a particular connection to this film – one I only discovered once it got the ‘buzz’. I learned that the film’s director, Philippe Falardeau, was born and raised in Gatineau, Québec, the place where I spent the best years of my teaching career. Even more interesting, I found out that Mr. Falardeau attended the high school where I taught for 10 years, Collège Saint-Alexandre. I didn’t teach him, (I’m too young), but I do have former colleagues (who are still good friends), who did. Most of them are retired now, but here’s where things get even more interesting. (A 3-Degrees of Separation thing)

Philippe Falardeau got the idea to make the film when he saw the 1-man play “Bashir Lazhar”. It was written by Evelyne de la Chenelière, a well-known Quebec playwright. While watching the play, he decided that he wanted to make it into a full-length film. This would mean adapting the screenplay – adding characters, as a film doesn’t work so well with only one character. Time passed. The screenplay was written, the actors hired. The adaptation made the context as such: An Algerian immigrant, Monsieur Bashir Lazhar, is hired as a replacement teacher for a Grade 6 class in the heart of Montreal. His arrival is the result of a tragedy – the teacher he replaces committed suicide.What at first seems like a sad and depressing story quickly becomes much, much more. As viewers, we get to experience the emotions of the students and staff but more importantly, we get to experience Mr. Lazhar’s own ‘tragedy’. Yet the element that touched me the most was the ‘HUMAN’ aspect – the relationship Mr. Lazhar was able to so naturally create with his grieving students: how he affected them, AND, how they ultimately affected him.

All of this was done with subtlety and warmth by all of the actors; yet the most obvious was the portrayal of the relationship between teacher and student. Everyone knows this is something ‘special’; until you’ve lived it personally, believe me, you can’t describe it. I realized that the relationship that came through in the film is one I believe in, have experienced (albeit in a different context), and one that I saw happen with a colleague of mine. Actually, the inspiration for Monsieur Lazhar and his students’ relationship came from my ‘neighbour’ – the teacher who taught in the class next to mine at Saint-Alexandre. His name is Jacques Carbonneau – the much-loved History teacher who inspired many in his 35-year career. He recently retired, but he also taught Philippe Falardeau.

Philippe has publicly said that Jacques was his ‘muse’, on a relationship plane. With all the Oscar Buzz surrounding the film due to its nomination for ‘Best Foreign Film’, much has been said about Philippe’s journey as a film-maker, his inspirations, and whether or not the film will win on February 27. I, and many I know, think of a possible win as ‘icing-on-the-cake’ – the film is already a winner. Not just because if its nomination, but because of the numerous people it has already touched. What touches people about it? The ‘HUMAN ASPECT‘ – or the relationships, as all extraordinary films do.

I am so, so proud of Jacques, he is profoundly touched by his former student’s film, but it doesn’t end there. Philippe also included mentions (again subtle ones) of other teachers at Saint-Alexandre who he was able to ‘connect’ with, or at least be positively affected by. Here’s the proof:

The name of the English teacher in the film is Ms. MacLeod: This is a reference to Philippe’s Secondary 2 English teacher, the beloved Mona MacLeod. (and my dear, dear friend)

One of the students in the Grade 6 class is Boris: This is a reference to Philippe’s Secondary 5 Physics teacher, the eclectic but loveable Boris Plante. (who I also had the privilege to work with)

I knew of these references before seeing the film – which of course pushed me to go and see it. But as I sat in the cinema and ‘lived’ them, my heart grew and a tear of happiness came to my eyes. I really understood how these teachers affected Philippe. This brought me to understand how many teachers affect their students. Luckily, we, as teachers, have no idea of such a thing while we’re teaching a student; sometimes they tell us ‘after-the-fact’, either at their graduation or years later, once they’ve grown up a bit and understand life better. Sometimes we never know, and that’s okay. I have, and still have, (in a big part, thanks to Facebook), ‘special’ relationships with former students of mine. Sure, less than a handful are ‘in my life’ today, but those that are make my life a better one. It doesn’t matter what they’ve become in a career sense, it’s more WHO they have become or who they are aspiring to be. That is why I miss teaching and always will.

So, to conclude this post, my message is this: no matter what you do, who you meet, or in what context, STAY HUMAN. Be the wonderful person you are and don’t be afraid to share that with others. Teachers or anyone in the education field have an opportunities to do this, yet honestly, most of us have NO idea how we affect the students we teach, no matter what their age. Now that doesn’t mean that teachers should feel added pressure to the pressure they already have, all that means is that by being ‘HUMAN’, helping others learn and evolve, is not only something we give away, it’s also a gift we give to ourselves.

Be aware of how one person can affect another, no matter the context. And please, do your best to make sure that what you do become is positive. Monsieur Lazhar is a testimony to exactly that.

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.” – Goethe

“It is not what is poured into a student that counts but what is planted.” -Linda Conway

Taken from the blog, “Teachers are People too” http://sarah-anderson.hubpages.com/hub/Teachers-Are-People-Too

1. Respect everyone around you as fellow human beings.

2. Keep the students informed and aware of the system.

3. Nobody is infallible.

4. Make the classroom a safe haven for all who enter.

I think the film, “Monsieur Lazhar”, has succeeded at every one! The relationships, the human aspect, are testimonies to well-being.

Check out the film’s trailer (with sub-titles): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjNCkxnT-xE

Solitude, Part Two: The consequences of being ‘AWARE’

My last post advocated the benefits of solitude, something I believe most people are afraid of. In this post, I will continue my discussion of solitude but will talk about the ‘less interesting’ aspects of it. I choose not to use ‘negative’ aspects as I don’t want anyone to think I’ve changed my mind about what I initially wrote. I haven’t.

Solitude can be great and is, in my humble opinion, necessary to well-being. However, TOO MUCH solitude is just as bad as not enough and can therefore be detrimental to a person‘s well-being. That being said, I am presently experiencing a little too much solitude. I didn’t realize it at first, but over the last 10 days or so I have been feeling frustrated. Yet I couldn’t put my finger on why I was feeling this way. That is, until I saw my fabulous therapist last Monday. She, as usual, helped me put things into perspective. Now I feel better and am feeling much less frustrated. I’ll explain.

Solitude is wonderful if YOU CHOOSE IT. When you don’t, it’s not so fun. Being an only child, I need my solitude but of course, on MY terms. As I wrote in some of my most recent posts, I have no problem being at home in my pjs on a Friday or Saturday night. I also have no problem spending my holidays alone. The problem is this:

• when I spend EVERY Friday or Saturday night in my pjs, or ALL of my vacation ‘solo’, it gets tough.

Sometimes the whole weekend can go by and my phone doesn’t ring once. Let me tell you, by Sunday afternoon, I’m going stir crazy. Now if any of my friends are reading this, please don’t start feeling guilty. It has NOTHING to do with you; this is my shit. People have their lives, (which are often busy with family, partner, kids, whatever) and it is no one’s responsibility to take care of me. I am not a child. My friends love me and I know they will always be there for me. The same goes for them: they know I am a loyal friend and will do anything for them, whenever or whatever they need. Yet someone in my situation has much less responsibilities: no kids to run after, no partner to compromise with on activities, etc. Unless I plan an activity to get me out of the house, usually nothing happens. Now I need my own time to house-clean, cook, take care of my kitties and to basically relax. But I have ample time for that. Evenings are generally free, so after work I come home and by 6:00-ish, supper is done and I’m free. Surely some of you would give your right arm for this freedom, but I come back to my initial thought: if this happens EVERY DAY, believe me, it gets old fast.

My therapist and I talked about this phenomenon, and she immediately reminded me of some important things:

1. I am a very ‘aware’ person – that means I know who I am, see and take life as it is, and do not live in the denial most people do (or more nicely put, I don’t live my life through rose-coloured glasses). I’ve worked very hard on myself to get to this place which is great, but, once again, I am not in the majority. (= not fitting the ‘mold’) If we’re lucky,the older we get, the more aware we become. Because of this, I have eliminated the superficial and toxic people in my life. I have chosen only to keep healthy relationships. This results in having a smaller entourage.
2. People who are ‘aware’ like me are generally in relationships or have at least 1 or 2 people (family maybe or life partner) with whom they can share this, talk about ‘real’ things and evolve. I don’t. My friends are pretty aware, but I’m finding that as time goes on, I am evolving more and more, which is good, but that means I have fewer people in my life who are on the same page as I.
3. Even people who are aware can just go on living in this healthy way, without needing to analyse or obsess about being ’100% the truth of who they are’. I am still like this. So, I think some of my frustrations stem from it. Also, my needs are mine and mine alone, maybe my ‘aware’ friends don’t need the same things I do these days. That’s no one’s fault, that’s just the way it is.
4. I admitted to my therapist that I have been feeling ‘alone’. Alone is not synonymous with solitude, as some may believe. Deep in my heart I am feeling alone, maybe more specifically not like everyone else. That I find very hard as my whole life I have tried and tried to be like everyone else, only to my detriment. I know that in my head, but my heart still doesn’t completely get it.

So there’s my dilemma. Not a catastrophe, I know, but I write about what I feel. And that’s what I’m feeling now.

I am a ‘go getter’ type of person. I don’t like to sit around and wallow in self-pity because to me, that’s a waste of time. I’m like a guy in that aspect: I’m  solution-oriented. I don’t want anyone to find the solution for me (which most men believe they need to do for their partners), but now I’m at an impasse. I can’t figure out what to do to diminish my feelings of ‘aloneness’.  I don’t want to do this at any price either. It has to be meaningful to me or there’s no point. I’ll only be more disappointed and frustrated. Been there, done that!

Once I understood all of this, with my therapist’s help, I started to feel better. I still do. The next step is to, with her help, find solutions. For my next session with her, I have ‘homework’ to do. I have to make a list of the qualities of the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with: basically, describe my ideal life partner. When my therapist asked me to do this, my response was quick and a bit blunt….: I said, ‘Cécile, I don’t even know if I believe that person exists.’ Her just-as-quick-and-blunt reply: ” You never have, Paulette.” I grinned, and laughed uncomfortably as I immediately understood how right she was. She grinned too. She continued on with: “That’s the heart of your problem. You believe this is possible for others, and easily say it. But when it comes to YOU, in your heart, you have never believed it. It’s not your fault, it’s due to your childhood, how you were raised, who you thought you were. Now you know better and you are AWARE of the ‘ball of emotion’ related to it. It has risen to the surface and you are finally able to ‘feel’ it. Not repressed like in the past. So now you are ready to move forward. Don’t worry, I’ll help you do that. That’s why I gave you the homework assignment.”

Gulp….I was speechless. Believe me, that doesn’t happen to me often. I thought all week about what she said, and yes, she is still right. (DAMN her!) So I have started thinking about my list: so far, nothing. But I believe it will come to me, eventually. In the meantime, I’ll just take one day at a time be happy and grateful for all I do have, and try to keep smiling. A friend recommended I read this book by well-known author and psychiatrist, Scott Peck: The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth . Here’s his official website:http://www.mscottpeck.com/

I think I will have to order it…and soon. It’s available at Chapters, or Amazon, in paper or e-book format. Maybe e-book or audio book format would be good. If any of you have read it or know of him, please let me know your impressions.

Check out some of his inspiring quotations here: http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/3061.M_Scott_Peck

“Life is complex.  Each one of us must make his own path through life. There are no self-help manuals, no formulas, no easy answers. The right road for one is the wrong road for another…The journey of life is not paved in blacktop; it is not brightly lit, and it has no road signs. It is a rocky path through the wilderness.”

“All my life I used to wonder what I would become when I grew up. Then, about seven years ago, I realized that I was never going to grow up–that growing is an ever ongoing process.”

“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth… Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”

Solitude – the best gift you can give yourself!

Now I may have scared some of you with that title! But please, read on, hear me out….

We live in a society where the unwritten rule tells us that happiness comes from couplehood, familyhood, whatever. While that can be great, I believe the basis for true happiness starts with SOLITUDE. Yes, solitude!

Most people hate being alone – I have had people, who, when having decided to start working from home instead of in an office, tell me that they found the transition difficult, if not unpleasant. I have experienced this transition, as once I left my teaching job in 2002, I worked in an office where I had the option of working at home when needed. Sometimes (actually most times), we are more productive at home because we don’t have as many distractions as at an office. Especially if we work in cubicles instead of closed offices.

Working at home requires discipline – the fridge is at our disposal, so is the TV and anything we want on the Internet. People have told me that the first weeks in this environment can be very unproductive – it’s easy to do a load of laundry while working, and it’s easy to keep going back to the fridge for a snack. So many ‘things’ to do and think about! However, I believe this is mostly bullshit…sorry to be harsh, but I believe these are just excuses for the REAL reason working at home can be perceived as difficult for some.

Here’s what I think: Working at home puts us in a context where we are ALONE. Even if we have work to do, we are alone with our minds, our thoughts. And that can be scary. We often enjoy the company of others as it protects us from ‘thinking’. If we have a lull in our workload, we can always go and see a colleague, take care of some non-pressing business, basically keep ourselves occupied – be with people. At home, it’s not so easy. It’s quieter (which is what we wanted in the first place, no?) and it’s easy to ‘get lost in our heads‘. That can mean that our insecurities, our fears, etc. have an easier time coming to the surface. When (or if) we break for lunch while working at home, we have no one to talk to…we have only ourselves (or an animal). Solitude ultimately becomes SCARY – unnerving. Well, only for those who aren’t used to it or have demons that creep to the surface (consciously or unconsciously) that they can’t/won’t deal with.

If one can be patient through these first weeks of “mental instability/change in routine”, I believe the ‘free time’ working at home gives us can be used positively. A quick yoga session during a lunch break, a 10-minute meditation, a short walk to ‘take some air’. By looking at solitude in this light, it can be a precious gift. And in the end, I believe we become more efficient, work better, and are less ‘tired’ at the end of the day….both physically AND mentally!

Solitude is also necessary in a non-work context. Friends of mine who are in-between relationships or coming out of a separation or divorce find the increased ‘solitude’ time absolutely terrible. If they are  not used to solitude or have never even thought of the concept, when speaking to me, a singleton, they often feel discomfort. Here are some of their comments:

A friend, in panic mode, says to me once, “OMG, Friday night is coming. Isa is with her boyfriend, France is with her kids, Brigitte is on a date, etc. What in the hell am I going to do? It’s FRIDAY night after all…”

A friend calls me on a Saturday afternoon to check-in. She says, “What did you do last night?” My reply, “I watched TV in my pyjamas.” Her reply, “Oh, you didn’t have any plans? (with a hint of fear in her voice) Oh, the night must have been long – you should have called me, maybe we could have done something.”

I run into an old friend (married) after the holidays. She is happy to see me and asks the ‘typical’ questions. “So, how was your holiday? Did you eat lots of turkey, sweets and drink too much? Aren’t you sick of the parties? We are. I’m more tired now than I was before vacation!” My reply, “Actually, I had a very restful holiday.” My friend, “Well, where did you go on the 24th? 25th?” Me, “No where, I stayed home with the kitties and relaxed.” Her face changed….she looked sad. “Oh, poor you. Had I known, I could have invited you. Next time, call me, ok?” (at this point, there was much discomfort on her end).

Solitude – I love it. Now, I’m far from a hermit (and my friends will attest to this), but I enjoy this time alone. I don’t care if it’s a Friday night, a Sunday morning, a Monday after work. I need it. I don’t always ‘focus’ on working on myself, but solitude gives me ‘time off’ – no thinking, no worrying, just a way to do something for ME. And that could be absolutely NOTHING!!! And most importantly, I RECHARGE my batteries. This is imperative to good mental and physical health. Trust me, I know! I’ve lived both extremes – running around like a chicken with my head cut off, go, go, go every day of the week, not being able to sleep as my ‘brain’ kept turning….and I hit a wall. Crashed. Only then did I understand how important solitude is….

I can sometimes go a whole weekend without seeing anyone – I will go out of the house, or talk on the phone with friends, but stay solitary. And that’s okay. While I believe too much solitude can be just as detrimental as not enough, the bottom line is this: BALANCE IS KEY! But the ‘alone time’ you give yourself is necessary, a positive thing, and very helpful. Look at it as a good thing, not the bad thing society often wants us to believe it is. Break the ‘mold’ and enjoy this precious time.  Here are some tips on the benefits of solitude, taken from this blog: http://zenhabits.net/solitude/

Just a few of the benefits I’ve found from solitude:

• time for thought

• in being alone, we get to know ourselves

• we face our demons, and deal with them

• space to create

• space to unwind, and find peace

• time to reflect on what we’ve done, and learn from it

• isolation from the influences of others helps us to find our own voice

• quiet helps us to appreciate the smaller things that get lost in the roar

  ” Solitude is a friend with benefits…” Chip Kohrman http://www.telesaur.com/blog/2011/03/21/benefits-of-solitude/

A New Year, a New Attitude About Health!

So, we’ve all survived the first week of 2012. (If you are reading this, you survived all the holiday obligations, and didn’t eat until you exploded – I salute you!) So far, so good. While I vowed to NOT make any resolutions this year, I did reflect on how I wanted 2012 to go. I decided that I wanted to start on the right foot, all the while not putting too much pressure on myself or making unrealistic goals. Because I believe I am finally getting wise and more in touch with who I am and my limits, I feel my ‘attitude’ is good. Well, we’ll have to wait and see, right?

So here’s what I’ve decided for 2012:

1. I will eat better – NO, I will not go on a diet, but I will consciously eat healthy food…which I actually like.

2. I will exercise when I can – if I do 5 minutes or 50 minutes, so be it.

3. I will try to keep an ‘easy going’ attitude about my life – basically, not sweat the small stuff or stuff I cannot control.

4. I will consciously be grateful every day for all that I have. I may journal (or blog) about it, or I may just remind myself of my blessings before going to sleep.

5. I will try to go to bed earlier – now this will be hard, I know – because I go to bed far too late and have trouble getting up in the morning. I’m at the point where I hear my alarm, then TURN OVER and go back to sleep, unconsciously!?

So, after 9 days in, I have done well on #s 1,2, 3 and 4. #5 is going to my nemesis but I vow to just do my best every day and take each day as it comes.

Since going back to work on Jan. 3, I have been eating wonderfully. I read a book about ‘Clean Eating‘ – written by a woman who lost 50+ lbs by eating ‘clean’ and exercising regularly. Her book explains her philosophy and is backed up by experts. Most of it is doable, but some of it is not. So I am doing what I am comfortable with: not eating ‘white’ stuff – no white bread, no white rice; eating lots of protein; eating 5-6 smaller meals per day instead of the ‘regular’ 3. Actually, I must tell you that so far, it’s going well. I’m eating fabulous lunches: (which I hadn’t been doing for a while) – was eating a hearty supper full of carbs = heavy. Since Jan. 3, I’ve been eating more eggs, more protein while still eating bread (brown, of course, but I prefer brown bread). My suppers consist of either chicken or fish, with lots of veggies. It’s really, really good. I’ve realized that by taking the time to cook, which I also haven’t been doing for a while, means I unconsciously accept that I’m WORTH good things, and this, starting with food. I’m actually excited about what I’ll have for supper, and am generally satisfied with trying ‘new’ things. Not completely different, just variations of what I already like to eat or reintegrating foods I like back into my diet. The book gives a 2-week menu as a guide, and I’m following it as a GUIDE. I may not eat the same protein mentioned per specific meal, but I do eat the same amount of protein, veggies and fruit as prescribed. I’m NOT AT ALL HUNGRY either! And the best thing is I’ve been drinking LOTS of water. I fill up a jug at work and I easily finish it before day’s end. Sometimes I finish it before lunch. (Which causes me to go to the bathroom A LOT, but I know I’m eliminating toxins by doing so)! So it’s all good….

On Saturday, I decided to walk to the grocery store instead of driving there. A great market is within walking distance, and since I didn’t have a lot to buy, decided to walk. I also downloaded a ‘sports tracker’ for my phone, so it tracks my walking or any other sport I do as I do it. I ended up walking 3 kms on Saturday. It didn’t matter how long it took  - I had no other plans or ‘family’ waiting for me at home  nor am I in competition with myself (no unnecessary stress)- so I enjoyed discovering my ‘cartier’. It was fairly warm for this time of year, so I took advantage of it. I also went ice skating for an hour on Saturday night, and since I’m a former figure skater, I not only made my body happy, but my spirit too. Skating will always be in my blood, so it is a guilty pleasure of mine. I don’t even need to go outside – an arena is just fine. I will try to go as many Saturdays as I can.

I haven’t had to practise my ‘zen’ attitude in regards to staying ‘easy going’ as I find I only get frustrated at work. Not because of the people, but because of the bureaucracy. I hope that the next time a frustrating situation comes up, I will remember to ‘breathe’, stay calm and walk away instead of getting my ‘underwear in a knot’. Time will tell if I’ll be able to do this….keeping my fingers crossed!

I have been writing a gratitude journal (and have blogged about it) for a while now. I don’t write down systematically the things I’m grateful for, but I do make an effort to write them down at least once a week. The same things generally keep coming back so I decided that I will probably just think about them before going to sleep but if something particularly great happens, I will write it down. This really helps me stay positive and focus on the big picture of life, not harbour insatiable desires that are actually very unrealistic and detrimental to my mental health! (I am starting to know myself better and better because I stay CONSCIOUS of who I am as much as possible).

As I said, #5 will be my nemesis. It is now nearing 11 pm and I’m writing this, wide awake. I drink relaxing tea before bedtime (around 9:00), in hopes of feeling sleepy, but so far, it’s not working. I don’t feel my ‘hamster’ is on speed, (not like before), but I’m just not tired…I’m more wired. So I try to wait until I’m feeling drowsy – I even read in bed, but that hasn’t worked either. Maybe because the book I’m reading is so interesting – not a page-turner suspense, just stuff I like. So instead of ‘going against the current’ and forcing myself to sleep, which also doesn’t work with me these days, I wait until my body tells me it’s time to go….thank God my work hours are flexible. I don’t have to be there at a specific hour, as long as I do my daily hours, it’s okay. That is definitely something I’m constantly grateful for, and I recognize it! I try to meditate, or at least listen to calming music at bedtime. It helps.

So if you’re at all interested in what I’ve talked about in this post, here are the references. But do what works for YOU. If this doesn’t, so be it. Just be comfortable with whatever you and your well-being needs!

The Eat-Clean Diet (although it’s not a diet, it’s a way of life…..):http://www.eatcleandiet.com/

Sports Tracker (for iPhone, Android or your computer):http://www.sports-tracker.com/

What I’m reading these days: - Prime Time, by Jane Fonda http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/prime-time-fonda-jane/9781400066971-item.html?s_campaign=goo-Books%20By%20Title-E&gclid=CNai-rbGxK0CFQXd4AodfnVHBw

Staying “Zen”: Deepak Chopra on iTunes   http://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/deepak-chopra/id2406592

From Gratitude to Bliss – Lorraine Miller : http://myombody.com/from-gratitude-to-bliss-a-journey-in-health-and-happiness/

New Year’s – Another “Mold” celebration….

I was invited to 2 parties on New Year’s Eve – lucky me! Well, that depends. While I did have a nice evening, I observed some things. This post will describe what they were. But here’s the general context.

Party #1: Supper at a friends’ house

A lovely couple I know invited a few close friends and I over to their condo for supper (pot luck style). We were 6 in total. Their home is out of a ‘Decor Magazine’ – so nice, clean, beautifully decorated. I got dressed up (any excuse will do, right?) – bought myself a new outfit, new boots, new makeup. Yes, I followed the ‘mold’. I felt good; didn’t feel fat or ugly, actually felt very feminine, which is something I’m working on. I arrived with my contribution to the evening: Mediterranean bread made in my bread machine, and a bottle of bubbly. Everyone brought something, and the hosts were wonderful, as usual. I met  new ‘friend’, we all chatted about our holiday while drinking a few glasses of cheer, and spent quality time together. I enjoy these types of evenings as I am so thankful for my friends, especially those with whom I can have ‘real’ discussions. So all-in-all, a good time was had by everyone. Pictures were taken to mark the occasion, and the food was fabulous; we even had a yummy dessert! Since my friend Isabelle and I had another party to go to, we left around 11:30 to be able to ring in the New Year there. We invited my friends from party #1, but they decided to stay put, watch the “Bye-Bye” (a Québec tradition) and ring in 2012 at home. As we left, we wished everyone a ‘Happy New Year’, filled with positive wishes and lots of kisses!

Party #2: Party at a friend-of-a-friend’s house

I do know this ‘friend-of-a-friend’, but not that well. She is very nice and a good hostess. Isabelle and I arrived about 11:45. Upon arrival, we learned that it was one of her guest’s birthday, and while the birthday girl thought everyone was going out, the surprise was that people were coming in. So shortly after we arrived, others strolled in. There were other people already there, mostly in the kitchen, chatting, listening to great ‘soul’ music. I knew none of these people, but since I am comfortable in such situations, mingled and met new ‘friends’. Midnight obviously arrived quickly, so the countdown happened in the kitchen with most holding a drink in their hands (Isa, myself and a few girls we met shared our bottle of bubbly). My friend Isa has had, well, to put it mildly, a tumultuous 2011 so she was VERY ANXIOUS for it to be over and done-with. We hugged, wished each other a wonderful year and said a happy goodbye to 2011. We kissed those in the kitchen with us, whether we knew them or not. After a while, my feet were killing me (standing in my new boots was taking its toll) so Isabelle and I went to sit down in the dining room. A few guys were there, so we started chatting about life….you know, the typical stuff.

Around 2:30 I was pooped, so Isabelle and I left. I drove her home – so I drank very little – and then proceeded to go home myself. When I got to my apartment, my downstairs neighbours were having their own celebration -people were smoking outside and loud music was playing. I wished those I saw a ‘Happy New Year’ and then came in. I kissed my kitties who came to greet me, and then put on my jammies, washed my face, brushed my teeth and went to bed. The music was still playing downstairs, but I feel asleep immediately – 2:30 is late for me and I was pretty tired.

So there is my account of New Year’s 2011.

Now here’s what I observed:

Party #1:

• 1 couple + 4 single ladies. The only ‘man’ there is great – but lots of estrogen, not much testosterone. No judgement, just an observation.
• Out of the 4 single ladies (myself obviously included), well, we all come from different milieus, yet are quite similar: in age, career, etc. So we had stuff to talk about. No one was a ‘floosy’, no one was looking for ‘male attention’, just a group of intellectuals who do not have a ‘significant other’ right now.
• The conversation was very adult – I threw in a few ‘adolescent’ comments, and everyone laughed. But we ended up taking about religion at the supper table, and discussing the renovations that the couple had done over the summer.

Party #2

• Lots of different types of people: mostly women however. A few ‘guys’ were there: someone’s boyfriend(s), the hostess’ brother, father and uncle, and a few friends of the brother. The hostess’ kids and some of the guests’ kids were playing in a bedroom.
• The ages ranged from just under 30 to over 60. The hostess is in her early 30s, so that explains that.
• Some women, friends of the hostess, were there without their ‘significant others’, and for different reasons.
• Since not everyone knew each other, there were little ‘group conversations’ with some overlap if someone wanted a light for a cigarette or made a comment if a good song came on. Basic small talk.
• Due to the age group and obviously people’s responsibilities, no one was drunk (that’s good); most were very reasonable in regards to alcohol.
• A few of the guys were musicians and someone brought a guitar, but while I was there, the live music hadn’t yet started. It was supposed to happen downstairs, in the hostess’ father’s apartment.

I don’t know if this is a typical New Year’s Eve, but….again no judgement, just my observations. I’m glad I had places to go, and I did meet some interesting people. But again, what society makes us believe is not what usually happens.

1. No one met the man of their dreams (at least not to my knowledge).
2. No fireworks, no group conscience of a year ended and a new beginning.
3. No big ‘bang’.

Now I am not complaining, but isn’t the hype of  New Years just a bit much? I say this to myself every year, even the years that I stay home in my jammies. Why do we feel the need to make an ‘event’ out of it, why do we spend oodles of money for the ‘perfect’ outfit, the perfect party? Couldn’t we celebrate life and living on ANY DAY OF THE YEAR? Sure, I know what you’re thinking: It just doesn’t make sense to do this on September 24. True. But my ultimate question is: do we really need an event to think about our past and our future? Eckhart Tolle so wonderfully said: “Practicing the Power of Now - Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.“

So if the present moment is IT, why do so many of us aspire to be/live something that isn’t? We look for a party on New Year’s Eve, think about the future on Dec. 31, and try to make peace with the past…does that make any sense? I’m not sure….

“Don’t seek happiness. If you seek it, you won’t find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness.” - Eckhart Tolle  But isn’t everyone ‘supposed’ to be happy on Dec. 31? Even if they are not, they fake it, don’t they? (Unless they get completely wasted and end up crying like a baby in a corner somewhere…) I’ve ‘been there done that’ in my youth.

Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? What could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you. -Eckhart Tolle

I’m going to try to follow Tolle’s words….as they make sense to me. They make more sense than tradition, society’s expectations, fitting the ‘mold’.