For Chrissakes, There is Nothing Wrong With You: A Dating Manifesto (reblog)

Wise words to come, and they’re not from me. For all you single women out there, read on and take heed!  Thanks Jezebel! http://bit.ly/JMpAOV

For Chrissakes, There Is Nothing Wrong With You: A Dating Manifesto

As modern ladies of marrying age, our trusty inadequacy paradigm has always gone something like this: “I’m too fat for the men I like.” “I’m too ugly to get married.” “I’m too old to find a guy.” Blah blah blah, fart, repeat, dead (the life-cycle of the human woman). And lately, this other sort of protest-too-much inversion seems fashionable: “I’m too smart/too pretty/too successful/too interesting/too funny/too outspoken to bag a man!” No matter what or who we (hetero) women are, we are always too something for men. Isn’t that just fucked? Because to be “too” something implies that there’s a something else out there to aim for. But there isn’t. IT’S A TRAP.

We constantly frame ourselves as outsized or undersized from every angle—and we either use our inadequacies to punish ourselves (too fat! No cookie!), or wear them like some crazy cold-comfort security blanket (you’re my real boyfriend, sarcasm!). So couldn’t we just call bullshit on this entire idea and be, I don’t know, people? People who don’t exist “for” men? Whose lives aren’t upended by the latest terrible “too”-ness we read about in Cosmo?

We have to quit defining ourselves solely in relation to dudes. Like, “I am not me—I am some imaginary man’s imaginary perfect 10, plus 50 extra pounds, minus a 20-inch waist, plus a threatening commitment to feminism, minus any desire to pretend to care about bike polo! That’s me!” No, that’s not you. That is a weird monster you made up to torture yourself. I try to remember (and it is hard sometimes—real talk) that I’m an actual human being, not some math equation that can be solved by triangulating all of the nearest boners.

Because here’s the thing, sister-bros. It’s a fucking con. The longest long-con of all time, maybe. Stop trying to be what men want you to be, because men are lying to you.

Any man who is a person wants to be with a woman who is a person. Attraction isn’t intellectual, it’s involuntary—and if men really only wanted to squirt their penises inside of silent supermodels, then regular people would be extinct. But look to your left. Look to your right. Regular people in the house!

Fundamentally, men are attracted to the exact same thing in women as women are in men: Confidence. Self-assuredness. Agency. Knowing who you are. But it gets sticky, because confidence is also the opposite of helplessness, and a lot of men (insecure men) need women to be helpless, because helpless people aren’t in charge. And people in charge want to stay in charge. And the people in charge are men. (To be clear, I’m talking in broad, sloppy, systemic generalities here—not saying your dad is secretly trafficking lady-slaves from Belarus or something. You know what I mean.)

And on top of that, because attraction is involuntary, admitting genuine attraction to the people we’re really attracted to relinquishes a huge amount of power. It’s terrifying. And when the people you’re so terrifyingly attracted to don’t even give a shit about you? QUICK, TELL THEM THEIR CALVES ARE TOO HEAVY.

It’s basic beauty myth. All the faux-evolutionary excuses people give for modern beauty ideals (gigantic boobs means more milk for cave-babies! A tiny waist means a bigger uterus!) are garbage. I mean, have you seen “conventional attractiveness” lately? That shit’s gone off the rails! Here is what I will cop to in terms of our primordial human standards of beauty. To bag an early-man, you probably needed:

1. Most of your limbs.
2. Minimal open sores.
3. A baseline level of health and robustness to be able to care for a child and/or defend it from lions.

Ombre hair extensions? Doubtful. Being “too interesting“? Fucking no.

We, as women, go our whole lives believing this lie that all we have to do is to stop being too fat and too flat-chested and too bitchy and too uptight, and then the perfect dude will finally love us forever. But chasing that stupid phantom doesn’t make us necessary—it makes us disposable. It makes us powerless. Because we’re not people anymore, we’re holes. Miserable, back-stabbing holes.

There’s this dumb, deathless stereotype that women only chase men who don’t need them—but, um, that’s because everyone wants someone who doesn’t need them. Everyone wants someone who doesn’t need anyone! The only people who actually should be helpless are babies, and who wants to fuck a baby? Not me! (Pro tip: If you just yelled “Meeeeee!” and high-fived yourself, call the cops.) Co-dependence is not hot.

But what’s needier than turning your life into one endless Sally Jesse Raphael makeover episode? What’s more helpless than carving yourself out of some dude‘s janky old rib? That is the opposite of finding an actual person who might actually love you. So stop it. You are not “too” anything for anyone. Be a person. Hang out with people. Do what you want and you’ll get what you want. Giving up on other people’s expectations isn’t settling—it’s demanding what you fucking deserve.

Image by Jim Cooke.

Positive Thoughts on the Student Boycott – Principles and Passion Reign!

No, nothing has been resolved. Yes, students and their supporters are (passively) still protesting in the streets, and have been, every day for 6 days straight. As of today, 176,701 students are NOT attending classes. (http://www.tuitiontruth.ca/) Yes, the government finally made an offer, but it was not well-received. It was rejected. But the students are shortly going to submit a counter-offer. Here’s the government’s offer:

“Quebec Premier Jean Charest has offered concessions to student groups opposed to the tuition hike of $1,625 over five years, in hopes they’ll end their protests. Charest says he would spread the increase across seven years instead of five. That means fees would go up by $254 each year, instead of $325, although the hikes would continue until 2019 instead of 2017. The premier would also add $39 million in new bursaries, would link loan payments directly to income (as his government previously proposed) and would create a council to oversee the management of the province’s universities.”http://oncampus.macleans.ca/education/2012/04/27/quebec-premier-offers-striking-students-concessions/

Quebec Education Minister Line Beauchamp said Monday there is no point talking about mediation to end the province’s 12-week student strike unless student associations move away from their insistence that university tuition remain frozen at $2,168 a year.[...]“It is going to take another debate, because if the debate is about a tuition freeze, I will be very clear: I will always refuse to transfer the bill to all Quebec taxpayers,” the minister added. http://www.canada.com/news/mediation+unless+students+give+tuition+freeze+Quebec+minister+warns/6542388/story.html

The student associations rejected the offer because when they did the math, they realized the ‘new’ offer would cost them more. But would you believe, I am feeling POSITIVE about it all? Yes, my heart is not as heavy as it was in my last post. And the reason is simple: last night, the representatives of the 3 associations were on a popular French-language show, called  ”Tout le monde en parle“. For non-French speakers, this show invites guests who are in the news and gives them a platform to speak. The hosts are tough – difficult questions are often asked, and controversy often follows. But last night, I was glued to my television as I watched these young, passionate and dedicated people defend their cause with poise, intelligence and integrity. Here’s who they are: (http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/look+leaders+behind+campaign/6533325/story.html)

LÉO BUREAU-BLOUIN, FECQ PRESIDENT

At 20, Bureau-Blouin is the youngest of the three student leaders, but already has distinct goals and a strong social conscience.[...]A gifted student, he was accepted into law at Université de Montréal right from CÉGEP, an offer he declined to pursue his responsibilities as president of the FECQ, which represents about 80,000 students.[...]It was at the CÉGEP de St. Hyacinthe, where he became president of the student association, where he whetted his appetite for politics. Bureau-Blouin then rose through the ranks to become head of the FECQ – at possibly the most critical moment in the organization’s history.

GABRIEL NADEAU-DUBOIS, CLASSE LEADER

Maybe it’s his bad-boy image, but Gabriel Nadeau-Dubois is definitely the rock star of the student movement, the guy most likely to make girls’ hearts flutter as he takes the Liberal government to task for imposing tuition hikes.[...]At 21, he’s the spokesperson for the Coalition large de l’association pour une solidarité syndicale étudiante (CLASSE), characterized by Education Minister Line Beauchamp as too radical because she says it refused to condemn violent acts done in the name of strikers. That he’s the only one of the three leaders who had to ask police to intervene when he received death threats goes with the territory, as does the Facebook page set up calling for his resignation which has received more than 3,800 likes.[...]A student at Université du Québec à Montréal in history and society, his goal is to be a professor. He has no plans to pursue politics,[...]

MARTINE DESJARDINS, FEUQ PRESIDENT

[...]At 30, and recently married, Desjardins may have discovered politics later than some of her fellow leaders. Now that she’s in it, she’ll give it 200 per cent.[...]“I wake up every day thinking I’m a part of something bigger than me,” said Desjardins. “There’s so much cynicism out there but now a lot of youth believe they have the power to change things.” She also understands what she’s fighting for. She began working even in high school to help pay for private school, and then worked 20 hours a week at the Bay during her undergraduate years.[...]Still, she says her dream is still the same: to be a university professor. She’s just worried that, after battling Quebec’s universities as head of FEUQ, no university will ever hire her.

The three of them were united, on point and answered the questions with ease. They stayed calm and mature, and did not let their emotions get the better of them. They may be young and inexperienced, but the last few months have taught them more than anything they’ll ever learn in a classroom. When asked if they were tired due to everything that had been going on over the last few weeks, they admitted that yes, they were tired but not spent. Just yesterday alone, they had granted 30 interviews. YES, 30! Most of us will never do that in a lifetime.

So I am feeling good – proud of them and their cause. And whatever the outcome, these young people, who represent many like them, have shown the population that they won’t be spoken down to, won’t sit back and do nothing, and will fight for what they believe in. They are making history, and as a teacher, I couldn’t be more supportive and pleased.

If you speak French and would like to see them in action, check out Tout le monde en parle, émission du 29 avril 2012.

“Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it.”  ~David Star Jordan, The Philosophy of Despair

“Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.”  ~Albert Einstein

“Laws control the lesser man.  Right conduct controls the greater one.”  ~Chinese Proverb

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Where are we going as a Society? My heart is heavy…

It’s Wednesday, mid-week. And my heart is heavy. Maybe it’s the grey and rainy weather, spring not quite here yet. Maybe it’s just one of those days, maybe it’s nothing in particular. But as I write this, I ask myself what is happening to us, as a society. The student ‘boycott’ has taken a turn for the worst, a big protest is happening as I write. There is a ‘macabre’ feeling in the air. It’s as if we, as a collective, are extremely frustrated. Is this due to the immediacy of social media; how we are ‘online’ all the time and know what happens all over the world almost instantly? I don’t know but I sincerely wonder where things are going…in my beautiful Montreal, my beautiful Québec, in my beautiful Canada, in the world.

I have trouble reading my Facebook page. Almost every post is related to both students’, teachers’ and the general population’s frustration with the situation between the government and the student associations who have been around the negotiating table for a few days now but are now at an impasse.

I have trouble watching the evening news. Once again, segments about the minute-by-minute developments in the student boycott. Images of the protests, police in riot gear, explanations  and justification of how and why  ’order’ needs to be kept.

I have trouble listening to the news on the radio as I drive to and from work. Same things. Everyone has their opinion, but in general, it’s bitching about somebody or someone.

If I watch the English news channels, I learn that our Federal politicians are mismanaging OUR tax money. A Minister spending outrageous sums for pleasure. Because it seems that nowadays nothing is secret – not that I want secrets, but the famous saying ‘Ignorance is bliss’ is sometimes easier for all.

If I change the radio or TV channel, I find myself either learning about what’s happening in the US – the corruption in their political state. Scandal after scandal, accusation after accusation; watching celebrities and their scandals – not much positive there either.

I’m presenting watching a ‘so-called’ feel good show: ‘La Petite Séduction’ – the 7th season is starting, and generally watching it puts a smile on my face and a tear in my eye as human kindness and showing love are the mantras of this show. No ‘thinking’ needed, just simple and pure happiness. But tonight it’s not working. Why?

As I said, maybe there’s no concrete explanation for what I’m feeling. But I must admit that the continuing student protests (now don’t worry, I support the cause 100%) are starting to take their toll; after two months of struggle and impasse, I’m starting to lose faith. I work in education, so this issue is part of my everyday life.

I have teacher friends who are locked out, and this for months now. They are worried about the future – will they have to make up the time lost? Will they have to work through the summer months, not have their normal vacation and have over-crowded classes in the fall?(They are NOT on vacation now; they get an email each morning telling them if they can go to work or not) If their institution makes that decision, there will be an overlap of students who need to complete the Spring session and those who are starting school in the Autumn.

I have colleagues who work for the Teacher Unions, or who work in an administrative role at my college, and are trying to figure out what to do. Most teachers I know are supportive of the student boycott – we know first-hand the ‘reality’ in schools, how the money rarely gets to the classroom – yet it is a dark cloud that hangs over us.

I had a Union Meeting today – we were told the behind-the-scenes details of what the possible solutions are, depending on how things develop. A big puzzle to say the least.

I am generally a positive person; I get up smiling every morning, go to work excited about my day, and try to bring some sunshine into my work environment. I succeed, but I find that lately, once I get home and see what is happening around me, I get melancholy. Not depressed, far from it. But I start asking myself when (or if) turning on the TV or reading my Facebook will make me smile instead of making me shake my head. Maybe the outcome lies with me. I think it does, but it’s hard these days. I may be looking at the ‘sunny side of life’ and enjoying it, but I am empathetic to the troubles of others. So it affects me.

I think the executive members of the student associations have a lot of dedication, are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in, and are doing their best. For the most part. And they are learning more during this boycott than any class or book could teach them. So in the long run, it’s positive. But I see the fatigue on their faces, feel the frustration of the average student who is standing up for principles but is not in school, where he/she surely wants to be. I feel for the teachers who are caught in the middle; injunctions have caused violence, blow-ups and stress for all involved. The teachers must be tired too. Even if they are not on the picket lines. Their short-term future is up in the air too. They want to be teaching, they want to be exchanging with their students, just as they have done in previous years. As I said, a stressful time for all. I just hope that things end soon, and that the outcome is a positive one, even if it isn’t an ideal one.

I hope our government officials stop being so worried about ‘saving face’, stop being arrogant and realize that what’s happening is serious. The student boycott, ‘le Plan Nord’, the state of our economy and more. The political games that are being played are seemingly now accessible to all, whether wanted or not  - to the average Joe and the mother, father and grandparents. Very little is hidden anymore.

I want to turn on the TV or radio and be amused, or smile because I heard a ‘good news’ story. I want to get choked up in my car when I hear a happy story of someone helping someone, of someone being kind. At least some of the time. Because now it seems all we hear is despair, fighting or corruption.

Tomorrow is another day, right? So I am going to do my part to be kind, positive and influential by spreading the ‘happy’ word. Will you?

“A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both”. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

“In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you awake in the morning.” - Carl Sandburg

“If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.”  - Author Unknown

“The time is ripe, and rotten-ripe, for change.”  - Lowell

Standing up for what you believe in – but NOT by using violence!

Having the Courage to stand up for what we believe in. It relates to the student protests against tuition hikes that have been ongoing since February. To put things in context, here are some quotes from that blog.

“This post is about the present situation regarding Québec CEGEP and university students. As most of you surely know, the Charest government says it will increase CEGEP and university tuition in the next budget…”

“…So I support the students, and I am proud that they are not the ‘lazy, individualistic and self-centred generation’ that some would like us to believe they are. Of course there are those who are looking for a free ride, but all generations have such people. I personally know Gen Xers and Boomers who are like that….

The student organisations are organized, and are willing to stand up for what they believe in: accessible education and a better life. Kudos to them! And Godspeed…”

Well, the budget came down as promised at the end of February and the hikes were announced.That’s when things started to get…serious. Protests were organized, student unions from many institutions voted to ‘strike’ = not go to classes until the government agreed to sit down and talk to them about abolishing the proposed hikes. The government hasn’t budged. It is now almost the end of April and as of April 18th, 168,072 are still ‘out’.(http://www.tuitiontruth.ca/)   Students are represented by 3 main student unions, the FEUQ, the FECQ (both representing university students), and the CLASSE, “a temporary national student organisation that includes, across Québec, more than 76,000 members in many student unions from both colleges and universities.”  (http://www.stopthehike.ca/) If you want to see the timeline leading up to the strike, go here: Under Pressure.

I have given more information about the CLASSE simply because it is this organisation that has been the most militant and vocal. They have blocked traffic, trashed the offices of government officials, and have come across as being the most ‘stuck’ on their mission: to accept NO tuition hikes, nothing. And they have been adamant about not being willing to negotiate with the government UNLESS the tuition hikes were part of the discussion. The government, from their perspective, has been adamant about keeping the tuition hikes, basically saying since the get-go that this point is NOT NEGOTIABLE.

So you can imagine that over time, things just got more and more heated. The police squads have been called in on numerous occasions because of the large numbers of the protesters. Teachers have even gotten on the bandwagon, SUPPORTING the students’ cause. There have been numerous organized protests on weekends and more and more teachers/non-students have participated. However, with the road blockages, the attempts to destroy or block government and ‘state’ offices (meaning average people couldn’t get to work), a lot of the population is getting fed up. The media says that the students are losing public support…but then again, the media covers what gets viewers and readers. The sensational part of all this. And I’m very sad to say that things are getting out of hand. And not only in Montreal, where the protests have been the biggest. Here are some startling facts:

1. “Gatineau riot police kettled over 200 students, professors, supporters, and journalists on Lac des Fées parkway on Wednesday, April 18…

After an hour or so, police announced that they would let people leave one by one where they would then show identification and be given a $300+ fine for blocking the road. Those who refused to present identification would be arrested for obstruction. Police later threatened demonstrators outside the kettle that they would raise the fine for those inside to $500. Radio-Canada reported fines were being issued for $444 and that over 100 arrests had been made by 2:15pm..

Students remained peaceful throughout the day although infuriated that the judicial system and the police are being used to stifle their freedom of assembly and expression.“ http://www.mediacoop.ca/story/riot-police-kettle-uqo-students-make-dozens-arrests/10572

2. “The mayhem reached deep inside the convention centre, where Charest’s keynote speech was delayed after a group of protesters gained access to the building and confronted police guarding the meetings. Two police officers and at least two protesters were injured in the standoff, and 17 people were arrested.” http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/montreal/story/2012/04/20/students-palais-de-congres.html?cmp=rss

3. “During his keynote address, the premier said his Northern plan is so popular that throngs of people were clamouring to get into the building. Smiling, Charest promised jobs for everyone, hopefully in the far North.” Video: Charest cracks joke at students’ expense: //www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/Canada/Montreal/1305551527/ID=2225190443

4. “Just as logistical headaches are intensifying, the strike is placing an increasing burden on the Quebec economy. Figures compiled by the FEUQ place the cost of the strike at $104,000 per hour, which includes teacher pay, the costs of demonstrations to the city of Montreal, and additional expenditures on policing due to protests.”  http://www.tuitiontruth.ca/

There are more events I could add here but there are simply too many to mention and honestly, I am deeply saddened and disturbed by where things are. The police forces dressed in riot gear, the tear gas, the violence on their part…is just too much for me to bear. Photos are all over Facebook, and my wall is bombarded with news every 2 seconds or so.

However, the bottom line is this: The government has tried to divide the student groups by inviting ONLY the FEUQ and the FECQ, NOT the CLASSE to the negotiating table. Obviously, the FECU and the FEUQ have refused. The government’s reason for excluding the CLASSE is that the CLASSE has NOT (yet) denounced the violence by the students. The government blames the students for wreaking havoc on the province, and want it to stop. Obviously, if the voting population favours the students or sympathizes with their cause, we all know where the government would be. IN DEEP SHIT.

I believe that there has been violence committed on both sides…while the students have insisted they want to be passive and protest without violence, it has happened. But I’ve seen too many photos this week of kids with bloody heads and in sheer terror, surrounded by what looks to me like the end of the world; police in large numbers with riot gear and bats.

Things are now OUT OF HAND…and it has to stop. So please, my message:

1. to the CLASSE (and the FECQ and the FEUQ), denounce the violence even if you think it’s not your job. Give a little. It’s a small price to pay to get back to the negotiating table. And while you want 0% tuition hikes, you may have to accept the fact that this is impossible. Without giving in totally, propose OTHER OPTIONS that are feasible. Stay one step ahead of the government and prove that you mean what you have been saying since day one: that you want change but are not planning to use violence to get it.

2. to the GOVERNMENT, stop being so condescending and arrogant. LISTEN to the students, and stop treating them like babies. They have proved they are not. Be open to discuss anything, even if in your mind you don’t want to give in. Respect your voting public – because not only the students, but their parents, teachers and friends are listening….

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Why I Believe Honestly is the Best Policy – Even if it Gets You in ‘Trouble’!

Telling the truth. Saying it as it is. Asking those ‘tough’ (or as I say, ‘crappy‘ questions.) Yes, doing this sometimes gets me in ‘trouble’. But I must like trouble because I’ve come to the realization that that’s what I do, that’s who I am. I don’t do it on purpose, honestly. But I know I can be perceived as a ‘shit disturber’. Again, that is not my intention. But in a work context, it really is what I do. Since I’ve become pretty ‘aware’ of what’s going on around me, I’ve realized that I sometimes make people uncomfortable with my questions or my comments. Yet despite this, I still firmly believe that being honest and not being afraid to ask those ‘crappy’ questions is the way to go. Don’t be afraid, ok?

I used to be a ‘people pleaser’. This is the result of being raised by, and surrounding myself with, narcissists. Luckily I have ridden myself of their presence – well, at least in my personal life. But in a work context, we often don’t have a choice but to interact with many different kinds of people. Now I’m not implying that my colleagues are narcissists; on the contrary, many of them are ‘people pleasers’ too. But as a dear colleague of mine told me not so long ago, “I think trouble follows you – I know you don’t mean to stir it up, but you do. I can handle it, as my girlfriend is like that, but boy, it really does follow you!”

Writing this post was inspired by something that happened to me at work last week. I’m a ‘big picture’ type of person, so if I’m working on a project, I need to see the ‘macro’ before I can get to the ‘micro’. I have never pretended to know everything, and due to my upbringing and my ‘shit’, I have always needed to ask questions to validate what I think should be done. (Even in instances where I am the expert.) So I think about how I see things, then ask others how they see it. I try to present my thinking with clarity, with examples, and without bullshit. I have often started a conversation by saying, “I have a question. I know it’s not politically correct what I’m going to ask, but I would like your opinion….” Generally the person I’m talking to will smile, let me know it’s okay to proceed, and will try to answer to the best of his/her ability. Those who know me act nicely and let me continue, but I have also recently noticed that their body language sometimes changes. Like their body is saying, “Oh my God, what is she going to ask now? I hope it’s not too radical.” Now remember, this is my perception of it, no one has bluntly told me that I’m out of line. I always try to have a nice demeanor, even though I am very passionate and sometimes get ‘emotional‘. I put emotional in brackets because a former MALE boss of mine once told me, “You’re just too emotional. Don’t get so involved.” While his comment was to save me grief in the long run, I was quite insulted. I took it to mean that because I was a woman, I let my emotions take over. That’s it’s only a job and I shouldn’t be so involved. But I digress…

Yet that’s just not who I am. I am passionate and dedicated to things I believe in. Whether it be related to pedagogy (I work in education), fairness, equality, or the treatment of others, I know that PRINCIPLES are what drive me. But over the years I have realized that not everyone thinks like this. Not everyone gives his/her 120% like I do. I am obviously an overachiever, and this can sometimes be perceived as ‘in your face’. I just want to do the right thing and I always try to think of how others will be affected by what I do.

Anyway, as I said, last week I opened a ‘Pandora’s Box’ at work. I have a projet in development and went to a colleague who has worked there for over 20 years. So she has experience. That I don’t question. But I figured out pretty quickly that we don’t approach projects in the same way. She gives her 120%, but in a different way than I do. I always put the ‘client’ first – trying to never forget for whom I’m developing a project. I go out and meet teachers every chance I get, as I want to hear their reality. (Even if I don,t agree with this reality.) Finding balance between classroom reality and pedagogical theory is not easy. But for me, classroom reality will ALWAYS take precedence. Hands down. So that’s what I told her. I said, ” I really don’t care what the limitations are, I want to create a resource that teachers and students can use; if the expectations in my project seem too high, well, we’ll just have to negotiate finding a way to make it happen, even if it’s not exactly as I ask. I need the end result to be what I expect. The road to get there can change, but not the end result.”

The look on her face after my comment was sheer horror. Like I was speaking another language, or like she understood the words coming out of my mouth, but couldn’t grasp what I was saying. Then I felt horror. So I kept asking more crappy questions, reiterating what I expected the final result to be. Then she started telling me that the process I had followed up to this point was wrong…..WRONG? WTF??? I followed the same process I’ve always followed (with more-often-than-not positive results); it has generally served both myself and my clientele well. How could SHE not get it?

Anyway, the conversation became quite heated, but not a fight. Ok, I want to make that very clear. We both respect each other both professionally and personally, but I am comfortable with ‘agreeing to disagree’. I will listen to another person’s point of view and take it in. If I don’t agree with it, I will ask for another opinion, and so on. But I will also not forget how I see things. I just simply cannot accept the status quo – I need to push the envelope to make the project the best it can be. Not sit on my laurels or take the easy road. That’s why I’m honest and keep asking questions. And as you may have already figured out, rarely take the common road. ‘The road less travelled’ seems to be my mantra.

Do I look for trouble? Do I like to stir up shit? Do I want to make people uncomfortable? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But I feel that it’s too easy to do things like a robot; to not keep in close touch with teachers in the network. After all, I work for THEM, not me, nor my colleagues, nor the contractors I hire to help me make the resource. For me, this concept is crystal clear. But I get the feeling it isn’t for many – now that makes ME uncomfortable!? Do I need to ‘put some water in my wine’, follow the status quo and stop asking questions? That would make me not respect myself or be the REAL me. And I’ve worked too hard to get there….so I’m perplexed.

Since I am transparent and open, I’ve decided to take the bull by the horns (another common activity of mine) and explain all this to my boss BEFORE the shit hits the fan. You see, the colleague I was so honest with has now become very dedicated to the problem we both face. She now understands how things are perceived in our workplace (and probably in the network) and feels she has to do something. That’s fine, but you know how people are. They’re not all like me, open to thinking about CHANGE. Stirring the shit makes them uncomfortable and I fear that relations between certain people may be compromised. Now I know I can’t control that, as everyone is an adult, but I just feel like I’ve instigated something that most people are not able to handle. So I feel bad and a little responsible.

But would I have preferred keeping my mouth shut? No. Do I regret my ‘crappy’ questions? No. Is my main goal to just do my best? YES! Yet although I can handle it, I feel that the possible fall out will leave a lot of shit on the ground…guess I’d better get my shovel!!!

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” - Mahatma Gandhi

“An honest man is always a child.” - Socrates

“The Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then. Life is dull without it.” – Pearl S. Buck

“Integrity is telling myself the Truth. Andy Honesty is telling the Truth to other people.” - Spencer Johnson

 

13 quotes for Letting Go and Moving On (from Oprah Winfrey’s Lifeclass)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a big fan of Oprah Winfrey, especially since she started her OWN Network. I am an avid follower of Lifeclass , Oprah’s Next Chapter and Master Class.

If you are interested in finding out more about Lifeclass, go to the Lifeclass Homepage.

If you are interested in finding out more about Oprah’s Next Chapter, go to the Oprah’s Next Chapter Homepage.

If you are interested in finding out more about Master Class, go to the Master Class Homepage.

To be inspired on Letting Go and Moving on, check out her Quotes for Letting Go and Moving On.

 

 

 

 

 

Putting Yourself Out There – Holy Shit!

Yup. It seems I’m ‘ready’. At least that’s what my therapist says. She’s usually right, so I can’t ignore her words. But even as I wrote the title of this blog, I still felt my inner being ‘seize up’. You’d swear I was 14 again…but no, I’m 43. Maybe 14 in my heart, but whether I like it or not, I have 43 years of ‘life experience‘ behind me. Well, more precisely, I have about 30 years of ‘love life’ experience behind me. And it hasn’t always been ‘rose’! So how do I keep away from the negative parts of my past while at the same time keep the ‘rose-coloured glasses’ packed away? Finding balance through all of my love life experiences is not easy. It’s not easy for anyone, for that matter.

So why am I blogging about my ‘non-existent’ love life? Well, I saw my therapist this week, and we were talking about my thoughts on Singletons and Holidays, and how I found my long Easter weekend particularly LONG. As any good therapist would, she asked me, ‘What especially did you find difficult about the long weekend?’ I answered by saying that my friends were busy with THEIR lives, that it’s not their job to ‘take care of me’; I wasn’t upset with them in any way, I was more frustrated with my continual solitude, particularly on holidays. So after some digging on her part, she got me to talk about how I really felt.

Once I said my piece, she said, “Your feelings are not related to your friends; not related to their presence or non-presence in your life. You have great people in your life, and they give you what you need, I think it’s something else entirely, I think you’re ‘READY’.”

“READY for what?”, I innocently replied.

“Well, what specifically do you feel is missing in your life right now?”

“Hmm….being able to talk about things with someone when I’m home. Not necessarily a philosophical discussion or something ‘heavy’, but having someone  to ‘talk’ to other than my cats. My cats are great and all, but come on, they don’t answer back!”

“So you’re ready. What’s missing, my dear, is a partner, a MAN to share your life with. That’s what you need. You have arrived. You have figured everything out about narcissists, eliminated them from your life (friends and former lovers) so you are now ready for a relationship.”

“[GULP!]” Silence. I was dumbfounded. Was I really THERE? She looked at me and smiled. She waited before saying anything more, as she saw how I was in a state of shock; that I had to let myself digest it. Since I generally start rambling on when I’m stressed, I said, “Really? That’s what I need?” Again she gave me a smile that couldn’t be more convincing. Then panic set in, right in the bottom of my gut. Since I have a fantastic and am extremely comfortable with my therapist I added, “Ok, I know where you’re going with this. But I don’t agree with you. I don’t think I’m ready at all. For God‘s sake, it’s barely been two weeks since I put an end to my ‘relationship’ with ‘A man who has floated in and out of my life, yet never really ‘stopped’ there, for the last two years’. What you are saying just can’t be possible!“ 

But, now that I’ve had time to think about it, she is right. Therapists ALWAYS are!! I COULD be ready. I just don’t know if I’m ready to accept this concept. I told her that I would think about what she said, but that I wasn’t convinced. Then she asked me another ‘killer’ question: “You know you’ve worked really hard on yourself and you have evolved so much. Figuring out the concept of narcissism (in relation to your mother and some of your ex-lovers and ex-friends), you’ve done that. That has been your nemesis. But now you GET it. You will never be duped by one again.”

So now she had really cornered me. She was, once again, right. So I started to answer by saying that I knew that SHE already knew what I was going to say, that I didn’t have to say it but I come to see her so I can deal with the truth and work through it…so I would.

“Ok Cecile, the real reason I don’t want to accept what you are saying is simple. If I agree, then that means I have to take action. And taking action means I have to put myself ‘out there’ again. And that scares me shitless.” (I did manage to say this with a smile, however. Because I’d admitted my fear.)

Admitting fear is one thing, doing something to get through it is quite another. Only time will tell if and when I will do something about my ‘problem’.

Cecile then suggested ways that I could ‘put myself back on the market’. Here’s what she suggested:

1. Dating Sites: While she told me an anecdote about one of her friend’s up-and-down experience with this, she ended her story by telling me that her friend DID find a great guy and that they have been very happy for over two years now. I reminded her that I’ve already been down that path (after my divorce) only to come to the conclusion that it wasn’t for me. I met ok guys, but not anyone who was ‘relationship’ material. Her counter-argument was that there are more than just basic dating sites out there, that there are sites for ‘professionals’; I did need to remember that no matter whatever site a person uses, there is a STRATEGY to find success. She offered to ‘coach’ me on this should I decide to move forward. We’ll see.

2. Telling friends/colleagues that I am available: By letting people know I’m open to meeting someone, my friends/colleagues, especially those who appreciate me, will look around their entourage and see if there is anyone available. If so, an informal meeting could be arranged that COULD be less stressful than a blind date. Also, the person would have already passed part of the ‘loser/not loser’ test before meeting me. We’ll see.

3. Joining a ‘group’: A sports group, a community group, signing up for a class, participating in activities for ‘singles’, etc. OMG! My first reaction was ‘Are you crazy? I don’t want to go White Water Rafting (I’m terrified of the ocean) to meet a man. Forget it.’ While I’m really not convinced about this route, I did agree to think about it. We’ll see where that brings me.

So I have LOTS to digest and think about. I don’t see my therapist for another month so I have lots of time to ponder. But even as I write this, I have a ‘rock’ in the pit of my stomach. The expression “Once bitten twice shy” really applies to me. But I have to remember that I am not the person I was before; that I am more aware, and more importantly, better equipped to take a chance. I have a support system I didn’t have before. And, while I rarely give myself credit, Cecile is right when she says I have evolved, that I know myself better and am no longer afraid to listen to what my gut tells me. So we’ll see…

If any of you have advice, suggestions or comments, please, please, write to me. This is a big step (if I can muster up the courage to take it) and really need all the help and support I can get. While I write this blog mainly to help others, in this instance, I would appreciate help from you. So in the meantime, I’ll let myself digest it, try to keep my anxiety at a minimum, and try to build up my courage to eventually take 1 small step forward. We’ll see what the future brings!

“To open your heart to someone means exposing the scars of the past.”- Unknown

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”- Unknown

“Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want.” - Sue Bender

“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.”- Deepak Chopra

Soulmates: Reality or Torture Device?

I’m watching reruns of ‘Sex and the City‘ on this Easter Sunday so I must admit I stole my title from Carrie. Before marrying Big, Carrie, like her 3 best girlfriends, had many ups-and-downs in the relationship department. In this episode, she started writing an article about soul mates, asking herself if they do, in fact, exist. So she inspired me. Now for my two cents worth.

“I’m 35. It felt really sad not to have a guy in my life to wish me a Happy Birthday. A soul mate. I don’t know if I even believe in soul mates.” – Carrie

Of course this is TV, and the show ended with Big arriving at her apartment in a limo with balloons for her birthday. He jetted to NYC from London to do so…well, that doesn’t happen to us ‘mortals’. But the point still stands. Everyone is looking for a soul mate, or someone to spend their lives with, happily. Some of us find soul mates in our friends, others are lucky enough to find one in a mate. So this got me thinking about my views on soul mates: do I believe the concept exists, did I ever think I’d met one? Are my best girlfriends the closest I’m ever going to get in finding one? I honestly don’t know.

According to Wikipedia, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate):

“A soulmate (or soul mate) is believed by some to be the person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility.”

Ok, that sounds plausible enough. But I thought I do some more research (or Googling), to see what else I could find. I came across another website that defines soul mates in regards to dating, and gives its historical background. Here’s what I learned: http://www.solvedating.com/soulmates-definition.html

Classic Meaning of Soul mates

The concepts of soul mates arose from Greek mythology. According to the story, our ancestors once had 2 heads, 4 arms. They did something to offend a god so that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half, our soul mates.

 Spiritual  Soul mate Concepts

Many religions and spiritual paths believe in reincarnation and the concept of karma. Through reincarnation, soul mates may spend many lifetimes together in past lives. Other spiritual methods of searching for one’s soul mate are astrology, numerology, palm reading, personality types, and magic. Modern spiritual paths often blend western and eastern philosophies.

Companion Soul mates

These are people that we encounter through their life. These are usually friends, teachers, mentors, or other people who have helped you achieving a life’s goal or helped you out of a crisis.

Twin Soul mates

These types of soul mate are your closest friends or a person whom you really click with. According to those who believe in reincarnation, you have already met them in a past life, and in this life you are continuing the relationship. There is an emotional bond between these soul mates and each is able to sense the feelings of each other.

Twin Flame Soul mates

This is the most popular type of soul mate. There is usually one twin flame soul mate for each of us. Twin flame soul mates have spent multiple lifetimes together in past lives. There is incredible chemistry and attraction towards each other. They “complete” each other and only few lucky people are able to find their twin flame soul mate. Twin flame soul mates, if separated, usually suffer enormous pain.

Ok, so soul mates originated by the gods punishing us, karma is involved, they exist over many lifetimes, they can be friends, close friends or lovers. That pretty much covers everything. Yet I believe most of us only think a soul mate can be our ‘life partner‘- the man/woman we spend the happiest moments of our life with in a ‘love’ context. And I must say I have believed this was the only correct definition, or should I say, I’ve been ‘brainwashed’ to believe this.

Obviously, at 43, I have not found my ‘love’ soul mate. Even the man I married was not considered such a person in my mind. I figured it was ‘time to get married’ and simply hoped for the best. I don’t know if I’ve ever believed ‘love’ soul mates exist. Does that make me incredibly cynical, negative, pessimistic? Maybe.

But friends and even acquaintances always come back to describing the ‘guy’ of the moment as a ‘possible’ soul mate. If the sex is good, if there is any type of communication and attention, we believe the person must be our soul mate. But I beg to differ: isn’t it what WE feel about the other person that gives us the impression of finding our soul mate? A lot of us tell ourselves stories because we want the perfect life, the perfect lover, the perfect relationship. But we all know that ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist. So can the soul mate = perfect for us, even exist?

This I do know:

1. I believe we have more than one life.

2. I believe in karma.

3. I have had people come into my life in the form of mentors, friends, teachers who have helped me attain a goal or get through a crisis.

4. I have/have had close relationships with both males and females who I am convinced were also in one of my previous lives due to the strength of the connection.

While I have also had great chemistry with a man, had enormous pain when our ‘time together’ ended, I don’t believe I have yet met my REAL soul mate. Will I ever meet him? Who knows. But I need to believe he exists…somewhere. Hopefully I’ll find him in this life but if I don’t, hopefully it’ll be in the next.

Singletons and Holidays – Do you know what that means?

As most of you know, I am a singleton. What is particular about my situation is this:

I am an only child singleton who lives far away from her family and who is not really close to them. So for a number of years now, holidays for me are well, pretty solitary.

I am not necessarily complaining, as I appreciate my ‘time for me’, but I must admit, as I have said before, sometimes the solitude I have gets ‘old.’ Which is why I am writing today. I am also writing because I believe that singletons with families in their lives and people who are ‘coupled up’ forget what the reality of a situation like me entails. So here goes….

One important thing to remember about my situation: I am no longer 25, no longer a ‘youngin’ who has a large number of single friends. Sure, most of my friends are single, but we are middle-aged. That changes things a little. Whereas when we were ‘youngins’, whether we were in a relationship or not, we still got together. At least it was like that for me. It is not like that anymore. I don’t know if age has anything to do with it or if the friends I have affect it. And maybe that’s not even the issue….

Today is Saturday. Saturday afternoon, to be exact. Since this is Easter weekend, I finished work on Thursday (I got off early; our nice boss told us we could leave at 3:00 to get a head start on the long weekend = Friday and Monday are holidays). For most, this is wonderful. For me, well….not really. While I appreciate the kindness of my boss’ gesture, getting off early only means my weekend is LONGER. Let me explain.

When I got home from work on Thursday, (which was around 3:30), I took a nap. I had a hectic week. So I sat on the couch watching TV and dozed off. Lucky me to have this gift. But by 6:00 I was starting to get antsy. So I decided to watch a movie I had taped on my PVR. I settled down to watch it. All was good. At around 7:00, one of my single friends called – we had communicated earlier that day, thinking we’d probably go out for supper together. Nothing was confirmed, just a possibility. She called to say that she and another single friend of ours were planning to go to a yummy burger joint and did I want to join them. ‘Sure,’ I said. ‘I’m just about finished watching my movie, so when it’s over I’ll get dressed and meet you there.’ And that’s what I did. We had a nice evening together, and I got home at around 10:30. She asked me what my plans were for the rest of the weekend and I told her I didn’t have any. I would probably rest and read. She was going to see her family out-of-town from Saturday to Monday. Great.

So I went to bed at around 11:30 pm, read a bit and then drifted off to sleep. My 2 cats accompanied me, and I slept well. I woke up at 9:30 on Friday morning, and was still a bit tired, so I stayed in bed. I got up at around 10:30, as I knew a male friend of mine was coming over to do some ‘man work’ at my apartment. Being a single woman sometimes limits us in certain household chores. I moved to this apartment last summer, and still had a few things to put on my walls – the apartment is old, so the walls are not gyproc. Another male friend had tried to install a mirror and a shelf on this wall back then to no avail. So since last July I have holes in my dining room wall. I was getting sick of seeing them, so I asked my 2nd male friend to help me out. He is a college teacher and the students are on strike so he is going stir-crazy. His girlfriend is away with students this week, so he had the time. He arrived at around 1:30 with his toolbox and drill. After a few hours of trying, we both realized that the wall was just too hard (we hit the brick joining my apartment and the next) after drilling barely 1 inch. The mirror I wanted to install was heavy and needed good anchors. I had 4 types but none of them worked. To make a long story short, he did the other little jobs I had for him, and we had a nice visit. He is divorced man with 3 kids, and this weekend the kids were with him. As he was leaving he asked, “What are your plans this weekend”? As I replied to my friend on Thursday, I said, “Nothing really, just rest and reading I guess.” He seemed to not know what to say to that but said that if he came into town he’d give me a shout. It would depend on what he and the kids were doing. Great.

After he left, I started feeling a bit hungry. I realized my fridge was pretty empty (most singleton’s fridges are), and didn’t want to cook. So I went to the grocery store to get a few things to tide me over. That took about an hour. I came back home, ate the sushi I bought at the grocery store and sat down to watch TV. I drifted off, as there wasn’t much interesting on. My phone rang at about 9:00pm, but I let the answering machine take it. Didn’t feel much like talking to anyone. I don’t know why, I just didn’t.  By 11:00, I figured it was time to go to bed. I might as well enjoy all this free time, right? So off I went; I went to bed with a good book. I started reading, but was distracted by the neighbours….they were having sex. And I heard everything… oh great! This is the first time I’ve heard these particular neighbours, but since the apartment is old, it’s not sound proof. So I basically sat there and waited for the ‘sex’ to end…thank God it didn’t take too long. I felt 2 things: embarrassed that I heard them, and reminded that I am NOT having sex!? I also realized that if I ever do have a man in my bed, these neighbours will hear me. Oh joy, oh bliss. (I’m not much of an exhibitionist, so having others hear me is not a goal of mine). But I digress….I finally got back to my book, finished my chapter and then went to sleep. It was around midnight.

I woke up this morning feeling very refreshed. I hope so, after all the sleeping and resting I’d done since Thursday! I checked the message on my machine, to find it was my mother who called me. She said she didn’t want anything in particular, was just checking in. ‘I took a chance calling, but you’re not there. You must be out somewhere or maybe you’ve gone somewhere for the weekend. I’ll call you back later, nothing to worry about.’ Her message, while said with good intentions, made me feel like a bit of a loser. No, I was not out socializing last night, no, I am not gone anywhere on some exciting adventure this weekend. I’m home alone. Just like most weekends. Now this analysis is MY shit, not hers. And her and my perception of what this means are totally different. But I felt sad. Her message only drove home that I am alone, again, and this time, for 4 full days. What’s wrong with me? Without wanting to wallow in self-pity, I told myself to snap out of it. Come on, most people would KILL to have all the free time you have. You sleep when you want, you eat when you want, your phone is not ringing off the hook or is always busy because a teenager in your house is on the phone AGAIN….why do we not appreciate what we have, whatever that is? I wish I knew. But a part of me wishes I had a phone that rang, that I had people soliciting me for outings, etc. But of course, when it suits ME. The problem with life is we don’t get to control when that happens (or doesn’t.)

My cats are wonderful company, so I talk to them. Yes, I talk to them just like all people who have an animal at home. And I am not crazy, or some ‘single, psychotic cat lady’. I want to make that clear. Ok? But I need to socialize, and thank God I can do that when I am not in the presence of other human beings. Lucky me!

Another girlfriend, who just got back from a fabulous all-inclusive week’s vacation in Panama with her beau, just called me. She was in the car, on her way to her family’s for their annual Easter get-together. When she called, I had a mask on my face, so couldn’t talk a lot. You know what masks do – but since I had the time, I figured I was due for one. (And as luck would have it, I got a call when I couldn’t really talk!?) We didn’t talk long, but she, too, asked, ‘What are you doing? How is your weekend going?’ To be quite honest, I changed the subject; since I knew she was on her way to meet ‘people’. I didn’t want her to feel bad for me (she is very empathetic and would). I asked how long she’d be away and she said until Monday night. So, I won’t get to see her this weekend, which was not an expectation, yet when it’s obvious, it hits home. However, she asked if I was available next weekend for supper; her boyfriend would be at his cottage, but she was staying in town. So we’ve made plans to see each other and she can tell me about her wonderful and much-needed trip to the beach! I’m already looking forward to it. At least I can live vicariously through her….for now.

So while it is still Saturday afternoon, I don’t have any plans for the rest of the weekend. No chocolate hunt with kids, no ‘forced brunch date’ with the in-laws, no being woken up at some ungodly hour by excited kids, no family get together that most people despise. So I am lucky, right? Well, that depends on perspective. I’m not saying I’m a victim, not saying that at all. I hope you’re not thinking, ‘Oh poor her.’ Please, it’s not necessary and I don’t think poor me.

But what I do want you to realize is this: not everyone has people around them who will (whether by obligation or other reasons) invite them to do things over a long weekend. Most people are happy to have the time to DO NOTHING, as the rest of their lives are crazy with kids, daycare, soccer, piano, family suppers, etc. But for singletons like me, that is not the case. While I don’t miss those obligatory family events, I must admit that the other extreme is no better. Balance is key, yet finding balance in a situation like mine is a challenge. Had I invited people over here for supper, most would have said they have plans – with the boyfriend, with family, or would be out-of-town, profiting from the 4-day weekend. And good for them. All I’m saying is that this is not the case for everyone. Remember that. So back to watching TV, maybe I’ll take another nap, or continue reading my book.

It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company.- George Washington

Being single has its advantages and disadvantages. It is up to the person to be content with the choices one has made. -Arjun Kulkarni

Isolation is aloneness that feels forced upon you, like a punishment. Solitude is aloneness you choose and embrace. I think great things can come out of solitude, out of going to a place where all is quiet except the beating of your heart.–Jeanne Marie Laskas

More Insight on Depression (repost)

Since I’m blogging about my depression and survival, I thought it fitting to share this video from a scientist’s perspective. It’s worth taking a look.

Robert Sapolsky, a Stanford biologist, is currently one of the most publicly accessible science writers in the country, perhaps best known for his book on stress, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. In the lecture above, Sapolsky takes a hard look at depression. The topic is a little heavy. I’ll grant that. But, it’s also important. As Sapolsky is quick to point out, depression is pervasive and getting worse. Currently, it’s the 4th greatest cause of disability worldwide, and it will soon become the 2nd. For Sapolsky, depression is deeply biological; it is rooted in biology, just like, say, diabetes. Here, you will see how depression changes the body. When depressed, our brains function differently while sleeping, our stress response goes way up 24/7, our biochemistry levels change, etc. Given the pervasiveness of depression, this video is well worth a watch.